| | Falling Over
I am often asking myself why I keep struggling with this. Why I can't just let it go and follow my meal plan and be healthy. Essentially, what motivates me to stay sick or to hold on. Because deep down there has to be something or I would be better now.
In group therapy, we were discussing self compassion, as the ability to be able to see a need within yourself and meet it. The problems arise when you either ignore the needs or feel you can't fufill them and distract instead.
So for me, I buy myself lots of clothes, make up and jewellery to make up for myself to replace allowing my friends and relationships. Thats where the Ed comes in, it distracts me from lonliness and feeling unlovable. If I have the Ed to focus on then the other stuff doesn't hurt so much anymore.
In a sentence, if I stuff myself with ice-cream, I'm too out of it too feel lonely. It works in the short term but in the long term I just end up feeling worse and having two problems instead of one.
Originally I needed my Ed because I was bullied at school and had no friends. I was lonely and I didn't feel like I could fix it no matter how hard I tried. So I found my own friend who couldn't leave me (Ed). The extent to which I seem to subconciously view this as a friend becomes obvious when I talk. I'll say things like, "We went shopping and then I bought this dress, anyway, I'm really tired, so we'll go to bed now." The "we" means me and Ed. I don't say it intentionally and I'm often not aware of it but therapists will pick it up and say whose we?
I no longer have any social difficulties and make friends easily. I am at ease with myself. I know that I have good friends and a social life if I choose to avail of it. But I don't meet my own needs. I make friends easily and then isolate myself. I seem to punish myself and not allow myself the relationships and friends I desire. I hold on to Ed as a subsitute and try to give, but won't let myself recieve. I am not sure how to break this pattern. My Ed is there to fill the void of needs I won't allow myself meet. I think I revert back to being the small child with no friends rather than the adult with lots.
If I allow myself to go out and see my friends then I don't need to do any compensatory behaviors. So the next question I am asking myself is how do I allow myself recieve? How do I start saying yes? I have been practising, asking people for things I need from them rather than setting them up to fail because they can't read my mind.
I am still evolving, I can now accept and feel compliments and praise and appreciate it where as a few years ago I couldn't. It felt uncomfortable. I can give and recieve hugs and I couldn't a few years ago. I can share my food and clothes with certain people and I couldn't do that a few years ago. So its progress, still working on it.
I'm not sure how to go about fixing it all. I feel like I am already incredibly needy and difficult although logically, that would be towards my parents in the form of my Ed so I guess relinquishing that would allow me to give and recieve differently.
Its all feeling very complex and puzzling but I know that Im growing and progressing and thats all that matters. I don't have to be perfect by tommorow.
Last edited by butterflyeffect; 08-22-2010 at 09:10 AM.