Perhaps you could give examples of your behavior?
It is difficult to grasp your situation when you say: "I am torturing myself."
When was the last incident when you did it? Was it some internal voice talking crap?
I'm getting REALLY fed up with myself now!!! Why do I sabotage and torture myself like this?!?!?
So you are feeling crappy because you have thought about losing her and you find you shouldn't have thoughts of losing her?
I would suggest you don't do that anymore.