Quote:
Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}  As for no contact, he's pretty much taken care of that one. It's almost like I never existed. (Part of it hurting so badly is knowing he doesn't even care to talk to me when just a while ago he was declaring his love - it's the question was it ever real, all just a joke or way to pass the time?) |
aspiring, you've gotten a lot of great input on this thread.
i just wanted to respond to this part because it jumped out at me. i went through a very similar experience last october when i got dumped by a man i loved very deeply.
i felt so much like you did, like, well WTF, dude, if you can just walk away from me, how much could i ever have meant to you? did you EVER love me?
the thing is, i realized that this kind of historical second-guessing? not only is it fruitless, it's also unfair to both me and him.
i was there. i KNOW he loved me. i felt it, and it was real. the fact that it's no longer there, or that it's changed forms, or whatever does not mean it didnt happen. i mean, we will all die someday, but it doesnt mean we werent here.
trust your heart. you know what went down between the two of you.
also, just in the last month or so, i have begun to realize and appreciate how much courage it took for him to end things. me? i would have let our relationship go on indefinitely, trying my hardest to make things work, to help him grow into the kind of man who would love me the way i needed to be loved. it could not have been easy for him to hurt me -- i know he cared (and still cares) about me. and yet, he knew it was better to do it once instead of continually, indefinitely.
i'm not saying you should have mushy "thanks for doing the right thing" feelings toward your ex. just that it's probably not as simple and ruthless from his end, as it feels like it must be from yours.
the love was real. cherish that. you had it, and it helped you learn and grow, both the relationship itself and the ending of it.
as for me, i'm just now getting to the place where i can feel grateful for the love as well as the ending of it, because like you, it's really changed the way i see other women in their relationships. and of course i'm also really grateful just to know that i can love and be loved. it was something i really honestly doubted before this fella came along.
i'm still not ready to be friends yet, though. forgiveness and gratitude for the life experience you had with this person is one thing. ripping open wounds that are just now healing is completely another.
honestly, i dont know if i'll ever want to be his friend, for many reasons i wont go into. but i'll be damned if i'm gonna drag around a big bucket of resentment and sadness for the rest of my life!
at this point, it sounds like your wound is fresh. there's no 30-day requirement for healing and forgiveness. just let all your emotions pass through you as honestly as you can, and try to notice when you are feeling good and strong.
there's always a 'phoenix rising from the ashes' experience after a bad relationship breaks up (and i'm not saying bad abusive bad, just not right for you bad). look forward to it, and when it happens, relish it! i'm there right now, and it took a lot of late night drunken crying jags to get here, but it rocks.
lots of love,
madge