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Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}  And last, but not least @Angela - When you said there might be a more immediate person that would benefit from my forgiveness did you mean me? I think that's what's making this so hard actually. I'm so angry at myself for giving power over my feelings to someone else, for letting him have what little self esteem I had for myself to play with and for not getting out when I saw the signs early on. I fell head over heals and became the girl I always made fun of - the one who drops everything and does everything for a man who isn't capable of returning the same. I mean, don't get me wrong, he did a lot a sweet things (it's not like he was an ogre or anything) - cooked for me, told me he loved me, gave me affection - but ultimately he's a guy who can basically forget the last year with me ever happened and move on in what seems like an instant. I'm so mad I let this happen to me. Right now, it's so hard to even figure out what my heart's desire is, becuase in a way it's that I still be with him, and that makes me even angrier. Wow, that brought out a lot of things I need to work on, didn't it? I'm getting teary. |
Yup! What you've done and who you've been in this relationship is perfect. You will find the understanding and experience you've gained, by being exactly who you are and exactly who you are not, will be an integral part of the loving and delightful relationship you next create, and for yourself on your own. You have demonstrated to yourself that you are capable of deep love and generosity. You can see that you are a person who strives for the best for herself and for the people she cares about. You have developed strength and personal power. Perhaps you have learned compassion for the women you used to make fun of, now that you have seen the phenomenon for yourself. You might want to focus on the hard-won value you've built for yourself, and that will help you let go of your pain when you're ready to see that it's not serving you.
One day very soon you will do a triage on yourself and you won't be able to find the pain anywhere. You'll wonder what you were thinking! And then maybe a little while later, you'll think gratefully and lovingly back on Mr. Butthead as you turn to kiss the loving, generous, emotionally invested, mutually-growth-oriented, Mr. Sweet Potato with whom you'll be creating a life you both love.
One little tip for you: It will be easier if you go cold-turkey on Mr. Butthead for awhile. No meetings, no phone calls. It sounds harsh, but really the band-aid theory of love is highly advisable. Plus, practicing that will give you a sense of your own power.