I want to thank everyone who's responded so far. Each of you gave me some great points to think on.
@betlamed - You know, I didn't really think of what forgiveness is from a religious point of view when I wrote that...thanks for calling that out. I guess I included it just becuase it is mentioned so much in the Bible. When I really think about it though it seems we were always taught that we should forgive others the way God forgives us (70 x 7 - over and over again, and casting our sins into the sea of forgetfullness - which I take to mean they are forgotten, never to be brought up or used against us again). It's a tall order. I see what you mean about living in the here and now. I know I can't change the past or predict the future, so why should I let them torment me? Can you explain NLP a little more?
@Sanctero - You are right that I should do something now for the future and realize that the past, good and bad as it was, has brought me to this place. Despite a lot of things going on in my life right now, I am truly blessed.
@Jill - I think you touched most closely on the idea I have always had about forgiveness. You are right it is hard to describe. I admire your strength to forgive and leave those things in the past. It's a big part of what I hope to achieve.
@Shamou - Thank you for your frankness. It's true. The only way someone else can hurt me is if I let them. I think I did allow him to hurt me becuase I placed so much of my self worth and emotional security in his hands, where it obviously did not belong. I think I struggle now with the idea of how to love someone 100% and also be detached from them affecting my feelings. I guess that's probably part of the personal mastery you are talking about
. Anything else you have to tell me about how to achieve that (or resources/links would be appreciated).
And last, but not least @Angela - When you said there might be a more immediate person that would benefit from my forgiveness did you mean me? I think that's what's making this so hard actually. I'm so angry at myself for giving power over my feelings to someone else, for letting him have what little self esteem I had for myself to play with and for not getting out when I saw the signs early on. I fell head over heals and became the girl I always made fun of - the one who drops everything and does everything for a man who isn't capable of returning the same. I mean, don't get me wrong, he did a lot of sweet things (it's not like he was an ogre or anything) - cooked for me, told me he loved me, gave me affection - but ultimately he's a guy who can basically forget the last year with me ever happened and move on in what seems like an instant. I'm so mad I let this happen to me. Right now, it's so hard to even figure out what my heart's desire is, becuase in a way it's that I still be with him, and that makes me even angrier. Wow, that brought out a lot of things I need to work on, didn't it? I'm getting teary.
I am really thankful for this forum where people seem to really care about others. I appreciate any more thoughts on the matter more than I can say.