[Trina]

Reading the forum descriptions I think this fits better in this forum than the Health & Fitness one since it's more about the emotions and hang-ups related to weight loss than the actual weight loss itself. I hope I am posting this in the right spot!

Basically I just wanted to post this because I have been thinking about it a lot, especially lately, and I want to know if anyone else can relate. If you can, please feel free to post your own experiences. I know I can identify that my own irrational hang ups are holding me back when I have someone to talk to about it, and it is easier for me to overcome my issues when I can identify them.

I was talking with my sister tonight and we were discussing how different our food and body issues are. We are pretty opposite when it comes to how we look (from the waist down at least, we look a LOT alike in the face). She is built a lot slimmer than I am, things like a thinner and taller frame, smaller boobs, etc. I am a bit shorter and curvier and have larger boobs. She is one of those people who feels guilty eating, and if she feels fat (which is all the time even though she is thin, which I think has a lot to do with the unrealistic expectations put on women by society) she goes overboard on dieting and exercise. She worries that if she doesn't look a certain way she won't be good enough. I am COMPLETELY opposite. I have food issues like crazy, but mine are of the "food is comfort" variety. I am pretty overweight, so it is going to take me a LOT of work to get down to a healthy size for my height. Just thinking about everything I will have to do to accomplish that depresses me, and when I get depressed I go to the first thing that makes me feel better... food. Instead of instantly worrying that people won't see me as good enough if I am too fat, I have convinced myself that I will never be thin so why bother. Then the more I think about how much I want to be thinner, the more depressing it is, and the more I eat. I also think that fat is a security blanket for me. Logically speaking I know that people like me for who I am and no one that matters gives a crap if I am overweight. But, because I have body issues, that illogical part takes over and deep down I think that people who are thinner are automatically better than me because I am fat, but if I lose weight and they are still better than me then it will be because of who I am, not just what I look like. I know I am a smart person, I am funny, I have a magnetic personality, and I know that I have a lot to offer people, but when my body issues rear their ugly head all of that goes out the window and all of a sudden none of that matters and I am not worthwhile because I am fat.

I think that's where my struggles with losing weight lie. If I make the effort to lose the weight, then I am forced to think about the what ifs, and that's painful for me. All I can think about is how worthless I am because of how I look and worry that my personality isn't as good as I have convinced myself it is to make myself feel better about being fat. Then I get depressed and lose my will to lose weight, and I go back to the comfort of food. Catch-22. If I ignore the issue, I am still fat but at least I can feel good about who I am as a person even if I hate the way I look. It's easier for me to be fat because at least I feel good about SOMETHING. Does that make sense?

Also, in my conversation with my sister tonight, she told me that she remembered something that happened when we were kids and thinks that's when my body issues started. I didn't remember it at all until she mentioned it, but thinking back I think she may be right. When we were younger (I think I was about 10 years old or so) we went into the doctor for a regular check-up. Since we were with a crappy HMO, they just did both of our check-ups at the same time. So, we were standing in the exam room in just our undies and those horrible paper robes, and when the doctor came in he looked at the two of us and told me that I was overweight and needed to go on a diet immediately. I was SO UPSET by that and immediately started bawling my eyes out, and my sister remembers me crying for the rest of the day and being upset about it for weeks. It's amazing that something like that when I was so young can trigger such unhealthy behavior for the rest of my life. Now I realize that my sister and I are COMPLETELY different body types and there is no way we will ever look the same, so to compare her body to mine isn't realistic. But back then I didn't understand that. She was thin and I didn't look like her, so I wasn't as good as her. That's why the doctor lectured ME and not her. Even when I was doing drugs and down to an extremely unhealthy weight (WAY below what I should have been for my height), I still thought I was fat and there was nothing I could do about it. Ever since then I have always thought that I am the fat girl, the fat sister, and let that dictate who I am and what I think about myself. I also see how that perception has effected my sister. She has always been the skinny sister and that has become a part of her identity. So, subconsciously she feels that if she isn't skinny she isn't worthwhile, and because so much of her identity is wrapped up in how she looks things like relationships and education (she is really smart and has loving relationships with everyone around her) don't make her feel worthwhile so she is never skinny enough. That's her catch-22.

Anyway, this is something I am really struggling with and have been for a long time, and since this site is all about personal development, what better place to discuss it right?