Join Date: Aug 2008
It's time that I write an entry that I've been putting off for the longest time, but the time for me to write this is now.
For the past 30 days, I've been in a massive slump. I've gotten things done, but I feel as if though I haven't been being true to who I really am.
The worst part about everything is that I see how I've sacrificed what I want in order to make other people happy. Stepping down, listening to my parents, listening to others, and following others has done more to hurt me than help me.
I feel that when I was at UGA, there was a transition period where I was able to break free from my parents and experience what it was like to be on my own and make decision without having people telling me what to do. Now, I've got motherf-s on my back all the time. This is not how I am supposed to live my life.
The period from June 1-June 15th was perhaps one of the most glorious periods of my life. Everyday, I woke up with passion, every night, I slept knowing that I had come one step closer to living my ideal lifestyle. It came together bit by bit, and I took so much action in such a short amount of time, that I probably freaked myself out.
For the first time in my life, I saw myself getting results and actually LIVING up to my potential. Not what OTHERS saw my potential as, but what I KNEW my potential truly was. I became a wrecking ball of action. It didn't matter what the task was or how long it would take because if it was a task on my path, then I would do it.
I stepped outside of my comfort zones, I completed entire lists of super hard tasks (super hard on a personal level), I actually disciplined myself to follow rigid structures and timelines, I saw myself achieving my goals every morning and every night, I woke up at 5 AM everyday so that I'd have just enough time to do what needed to be done, I hustled from 5 AM to 11.30 AM everyday straight for 15 days, I became absolutely obsessed with achieving my goals and stepping into what I wanted to do, I lived with a low-level of anxiety because I didn't know how ends would meet or how I would do certain things...
But you what the scariest thing about it all is? I loved every single minute of it and I'd go back to that lifestyle in a heartbeat.
For the first time in my life, I saw that I was making a positive change in my life. I SAW myself actually reaping the rewards of my actions, I literally SAW myself moving and accomplishing my goals. I actually stepped up in my life, and for that, I felt a level of soul-satisfaction that I had never felt before.
However, it was a VERY rough time, and because I felt completely overwhelmed, I stopped taking action. I felt that I was giving up everything that I had and that I wouldn't be able to ever get it back. In retrospect, this was just my mind playing tricks on me - I was actually achieving my goals...something I had never done on such a level before.
The most balls trippy experience about it all was that I wasn't able to properly "chill out" I was ALWAYS on. 24/7...I was ALWAYS ready to get things done, and I ALWAYS had to be doing something. I wasn't sure if this was "proper" for me to feel this way...but on the deepest level, I knew that it was the right thing for me to do.
But in that time period, I experienced SUCH a level of depth that I had never seen in life before. I saw that all things are one, and I understood that to live consciously and take right action is not as SIMPLE as it sounds, but it's something that you continuously keep digging in.
And oh my god, I experienced such thankfulness and gratitude for my "situation".
What is my "situation"? Well, I dropped out of college so that I could do blogging. I had written an article and my friends had really shown a lot of interest in it, so I decided to to take blogging up while I was here at the house. But, whenever I got back home and told my Dad about my plans, he actually didn't give me the financial support that I needed to get started. And I'm starting to realize that EVERYTHING I'm going through right now would be solved if I had the proper amount of money.
"Money can't be happiness, but not having money can get you really pissed off"
But even though he didn't give me money, I ended up doing something that HE wanted me to do: insurance. And at first, I thought that it was the BIGGEST load of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ to begin with since I was already set on what I wanted to do, but once I got into it, I realized...HOLY ****...there is ALOT of money to be made here. And on top of that, I would NOT have to spend all my time working and I could actually accomplish what I want, get rich, align my passions and talents together, and really live my ideal lifestyle.
I experienced the greatest amounts of gratitude that I had EVER done in my life because I started seeing that I was at the GREATEST advantage in the world...I had NO liabilities what so ever in this world. I don't have a family to provide for, I don't have a girlfriend, I don't have to pay my rent, I don't have to buy food, I don't have to pay for ****. Basically, there is NOTHING to tie me down in this world, I have no obligations.
However, on the flip side, I have basically been living my last 18 years in a "The world provides for me, I don't have to provide for myself because everything else is handled for me" and all of college along with my June achievement burst period was a TRANSITION from that to a mindset of "I am a man, I take action, and I get things done in my life".
But this is the thing...I had sped up my mind and my consciousness to the point where the entire world was standing too still for me. I had become capable to do what I needed to do, I just didn't have the resources to take everything to the next step. I'm still at this great advantage of living with my parents and having everything provided for me, but I can't live here anymore...I'm sacrificing my personality, who I am as a person, and essentially living a life in prison when I'm here. I'm taking orders when I should be giving them, I'm becoming a little ♥♥♥♥♥ again, I'm letting others lead my life (and not in a good way either), I'm not taking action in my life, and I'm allowing my dreams to be trampled on by my parents, and anything that is in my way.