[butterflyeffect]

At the core of my Eating Disorder is the belief, "I'm not lovable." I can see that all the other events and issues that have been coming up stem from that belief.

When your an infant your dependant on your mother for food and comfort. I was an anxious baby and used to cry alot if my parents were constantly with me. They misunderstood this and tried to enforce separation and make me independant using control crying. Essentially, they let me scream and cry in the hope U would cry myself to sleep and learn. It didn't work, I would cry for hours until I started vomiting and lost my voice. I only have the vaguest of memories of it but I interpreted that as being unlovable. Thinking about it and remembering it is painful. My parents acknowledge in hindsight it was a mistake and I forgive them but I now want to work through it and move forward.

Twenty years later, (Im 21) I am very clingy to my parents and syblings. I want to hug them all the time, be with them or with people all the time. I need to be with people and fit in. The over eating is a cover, a way of feeling loved. Food was associated with comfort and I have been taking that around with me to simulate feelings of love and comfort and block out the lonliness. I recognise the pattern and the cause at the moment but Im just sitting with the awareness. Im not sure how to deal with it.

I now understand why I get so angry and upset, when people try to take the food away or prevent me from following through with the Ed. Its like taking away my tools for survival and I feel as helpless and alone as I did as a baby.

I am aware of the patterns. I seek to punish myself. Trying to stuff myself and insulate from the feelings. Avoid feeling lonely and vulnerable. Try to avoid it all and create my own feelings of love and punish myself at the same time. It all makes alot more sense now.