[butterflyeffect]

Yesterday highlighted to me the importance of protecting my boundaries in order to allow me to feel safe in my enviroment. When I begin to feel unsafe, I tend to binge and do other self soothing behaviors on autopilot and it sends me backwards.

I went shopping yesterday with an extremely underweight friend. She spent the trip trying on dresses and I watched and helped her choose. It was fine on the surface but on a deeper level I was really struggling. It really hit home to me how much weight I had piled on and I began to feel really edgy. I felt obsese and abnormal, very much like I was back in hospital.

When I go shopping with friends who are of healthy weights, I feel normal and motivated towards my health goals but this shopping experience was anything but. I was struggling to make conversation away from the Ed and just keep going. I hid it well but I was relieved when it was over. It took me hours to calm down and process it afterwards. I just felt very anxious and worried because looking at someone so thin, was very stressful. One part of me has always wanted to be tiny and another part resists that, and then playing that out in real life was awful. In fact I just felt like I was getting sick during the experience, I definately do not want to do that again.

I didn't say anything to my friend, she has her own issues and it is my responsibility to work through mine, not hers. She adores cooking and I can't stand it and I am begining to realise I need to spend more time with healthy people. I can't keep a foot in both worlds. I need to be moving only with healthy and well people. I can't spend time with sick people in terms of baking, shopping or other things that bring a focus on food or size.