| | Repeating Cycles of Behavior
Looking back over my previous post, I originally though I had found the solution. Stop being secretive and give up control. The irony is that I have done this before, over and over. I have just forgotten, I remembered today while I was talking to my Mom. She is like, "We tried that before, remember?"
I don't want my sister to tell me what to do, I don't want a tumultuous 17 year old interfering with my Eating Disorder. She has a classic pattern, extending the hand of support in an aggressive fashion and trying to force me to comply and then giving up at the first sign of a tantrum and throwing up her hands and saying, "I'm over this ****. Don't come crying to me about how you want to get well and be a model." And then the cycle repeats. She has seen my doctors, they have spoken before, they have come with me to hospital and day program. I think my family are living in hope of me getting better but view any sign of faultering a complete relapse and indication that Im just not trying.
I am at peace with my eating disorder for now. I get upset and I throw tantrums and I cry about how I want to be healthy. Its all true. I do want to be healthy and I do sabotage that. I don't want to fight with my family, so I am going to try just surrendering. Working out what it is I want and then doing it. If my family feel the need to comment on every single thing I do I will just go with it. Thank them and keep going. I have to try and stop resisting.
At this point I am confused as to what to do. I am going to try surrendering my control. I don't want to play this game anymore. I have new interests and having the same argument with my sister is tedious. I am trying to develop independance but my family is actively standing in the way of that. They are doing it out of love but at the same time I need to be able to do things myself. I know I am repeating myself but thats because none of it makes any sense. I just feel like everyone is holding on so tight to Ed that I'm being smothered. I can't come out and develop my new self with all this overwhelming negativity and anger.
So I am meditating, I am distancing and I am trying. I have made my room my sanctuary and I trying. I feel like if I could move into a different enviroment without support, I would fall flat on my face initially but then pick myself up and start getting better. At the moment there is so much support, I can't breathe, let alone fall.