[ellie]

Oh god, you sound like me and I'm in the broadcast industry as well in Aus.

I very much suffer from performance anxiety, but I have been really careful to chose the right people to work with, so as to not feel as intimedated, so I can do the job I'm paid for.

I just know the type of people I need to work with and I "put it out there" as they say! I say somthing like "I need an environment where most of the people are down to earth, and where I don't feel intimedated". Also if I know there is an intimedating character that I will be working with, I really make a point to say in my mind "this person will not get to me, they will not challenge me". So far this way I thinking has worked and all the people I have worked with who were meant to be really tough and can have temper tantrum, have nave been tough or chucked a wobbly with me". It's not to say I still don't fear them, it's just that somehow I've created a bubble, where they have never been able to get to me.

I also still know I need to overcome my fears to be better/stronger person, which I know I really am, just not in the work environment. I mean it's the stupidest thing, I am so strong/confident with my friends and family, yet I let fear overtake me in the workplace.

I'm lucky I have just got with a crowd (gov run), who actually will help me through my job and if I have any worries, or stressing out about how I'm handling people in my job I can call the 24/7 - I know pretty amazing hey! They can also meet up with me for coffee every once and while to discuss ways how I can improve a situation. Which is something I kind of asked the universe for - lol! They're there just to help build my confidence and make sure I say in the job for a long time (for my own sanity). You might have a similar service in Sydney. Pm if you want to know more.

I'm also very much into dealing with my fears, thus I am here and I have also been seeing a psycologist. In the next few months I really know I have to work on this problem and so I'm going to see a pycologist and maybe even go on anxiety medication (which did just help me initially to get back on track). It's something I was trying to avoid, but maybe meds, topped with seeing a pycologist who works on improving anxiety related problems will help. I'm also going to really try to improve my diet and exersise and start getting into meditating/yoga.

I really do feel for you, because I am going through the same thing. I know I'm very good at my job, but fear and anxiety always gets in the way, which is ridiculous. I know there a people out there are 10 times worse at my job, but they're 10 steps ahead of me career wise.

I personally think your wedding idea, is maybe a way of not dealing with your fears. I know I went through a few months ago "I want to only ever work for myself", but really that's wasn't true. I acyually at the moment want the 9-5 job where I geta set wage, where I don't have to organise my business. I just know for me if I never deal with my major fears, I will never reach my fullest potential.

So hope info has kind of helped and know you're not the only one that thinks the way you do.

I'd really suggest you see someone about your anxiety, even just initially. Also, really go back and find out what triggered these initial fears. I know I can sort of pinpoint where all my performance anxiety started from, it was growing up in a strict religion and been forced to meet people at the door and talk to them about God and then having people verbally abuse you, or slamming the door in my face. In addtion, I've always been a worry wort, since I was a little girl. So it's obviously something that's inside me.

Also if you do have have friends and family that you feel comfortable talking about this with, I would suggest you bring it up. It really helps talking about your fears out loud and having someone who can talk to you about the reality of it all. I have a wonderful supportive, talkative family and friends network and they really help boot my confidence, when I build up a situation in my mind.

I'm also thinking of exploring hypnotherapy, i think that could be quite useful.

Ps- I also worked as a cleaner, through uni. I have to say for me, it was the worst thing. I hated it, it made me feel so depressed, especially when I knew the office workers thought they were better with me. Even though I knew I was smarter and one day in the near future I would be making a lot more money than them -lol Which I will be now :P

Cleaning, just made my confidence worse. I'm not saying cleaning is bad for everyone. IF that's your passion, or your happy doing it fine, but if you're doing it to avoid people and not deal with your fears then I would say STOP and really ask for what you need at this point of time.

Have you thought about working in a government organisation like the ABC doing camera operating? I think this environment would suit you a lot more. I think it's a lot diffrent to work in this enviroment rather than the other networks.