| | 'Strange'
Lately when I go out and do new things I have become very aware of my enviroment and being in the present moment. Its funny because I feel like I am experiencing everything differently and coming to different conclusions as a result.
I went out tonight with my friends for drinks and I saw the whole community of people I went to school with or know to look at from living in the same area for my whole life. It was strange to see everyone and notice that I have changed, they've changed and some people are still the same. I talked to a few people from primary school and high school and I felt new and different, I was seeing them through a new lens as well. The odd person who was rude or difficult, remiscent of how I expected everyone to be, just highlighted to me they weren't comfortable in themselves yet. Anyone who criticises or judges me harshly isn't my problem, I just look at them think, I hope you start to like yourself more, because really your just projecting.
The comments about my weight have started again. My family loves me and I appreciate everything they do to try and help me get well but Im not perfect and I still struggle. Sometimes that love comes out in snarky comments and telling me to "Try harder" or "Just go the gym" or yelling all their frusrations at me and threatening to withdraw treatment anytime I make a mistake. I no longer let it upset me. I just think their scared and upset. Even if they did give up, I'd find someone else to help me. Truth is Im going to get better and Im improving all the time. So when I go out and see things and experience new things that other people think are ordinary, I come back and say "that was strange" strange in that it was differently to how I always thought it was and new and Im grateful for that.
I want to get well but at the same time I feel like I need my family to stop trying to help me so that I have the space to help myself. I want to be able to feed myself correctly, manage my own exersize and social life and I can't if they keep stepping in and doing it for me. Its upsetting because I go to make a plate of food and they take it away and do it instead or start taking some away. I appreciate the help but I need to be the one putting the food on, asking the questions and learning. I feel like Im not a baby anymore and I want to start to do things for myself and then show them as im doing it so they can see that im improving.
I have stopped trying to prove to everyone Im well. It will show eventually until they just have to see what they want. I can't control their emotions or limit their pain if they refuse to listen.