I have been doing so much shopping lately!!!!!!! It doesn't seem to matter much which store either. I love looking at all the clothes, trying them on and then looking at the adds or if its a food stores looking at all the foods. Haha I have to say though, Im a girly girl, so its girls shops and lots of dresses.
Every since pre-school, maybe even before that, I have always loved dresses and skirts. Just as well Im not a boy...
In fact I hate wearing jeans and shorts, long time problem. In fact in pre school I would ONLY wear dresses, or I would cry until I got to change. So in facing my fears I have been making a big effort to try and wear jeans. Its tricky, I always feel really self concious and uncomfortable. I much prefer wearing a myriad of high fashion dresses and skirts but I'm hoping that will change.
I have also been doing alot of jewellery shopping, window shopping really. I love looking at all the gorgeous jewellery in the windows and it makes me miss working with it. I love the advertisments they create. I love advertising and magazines. Its really interesting to keep discovering things I like and feel passionate about. Its strange because all these things exist outside of my obsessive bubble.
I have been sketching. I did alot of art in school and have started sketching my own versions of the fashion pictures in my room. Haha I am hopeless at hands and faces but I have the rest down pat. I love it. I want to take an art class this term. I love photography as well and Im starting to appreciate teh beauty of the world much more.
I have been practising my mindfulness and breathing alot. I find I get super anxious at night. Funnily enought, thats also when I like to binge or sneak off to go do my extra shopping. Armed with that awareness I am better able to deal with the situation. I have tried using EFT to calm down the anxiety but just breathing deeply and saying "I am aware I am feeling anxious" works better at this point. I just keep breathing deeply and sitting with it. I do eat fruit at night though and that needs to stop. But its baby steps and Im getting there. I don't really relate to the earlier parts of this thread. I know I wrote it but I feel a large disconnect between the two mindsets. I am also more reluctant to use the pet name for my illness, 'Ed'.
Anyway, I want to start allowing my creativity to flow freely. I have always been very creative and I'm tired of exersizing it through crazy eating disordered schemes and escape plots. Seriously, you haven't gone shopping, till you've shopped with me. I can ditch the trained nurses or my parents in a shopping spree, people actively aware of my games, let alone innocent by standers. That no longer fills me with pride, it makes me nauesous and embarrased to admit. Who wants to shop with houdini? Not meeeeeee. Nope, I am going to start experimenting with photography and sketching. I have started reading all the fashion blogs, I love fashion, particularly the commercial chains lately. I love the fashion advertisments and big magazines like Vogue, Oyster and Harpers Bazaar. I have stopped looking at magazines as bibles, rather seeing them as businesses. Observing how the products are sold, the beautiful advertisments, the merchandising and of course the models. Life feels so interesting now. There is so much to notice and appreciate. I have even taken an interest in my brothers fish!!! They live in an enormous tank and it turns out there are different breeds of catfish.
I am going to write a story. I want to write a short story about my Eating Disorder, the underground networks, the nursing staff, the bonding, the ward rounds, the school like enviroment. The beautiful people who struggle who are so full of potential. Not a pity me story, but a story to inspire and allow people to borrow strength from. Some sort of story which narrates a different world and gives the responder the passport. Im still thinkiing it through although I won't tell the audience upfront everyone has an Ed, its going to be more from the patients perspective. Hosptial for me was like school, I experienced so much there and it would make an excellent narrative. Maybe even a best seller. I have always fancied being famous.. Jokes aside, I value the experiences and I want to craft a story to share it all from another angle.