[Dr Gonzo]

Originally Posted by Chemgirl

Hi. Thanks to everyone that has posted here, it has helped me because last week I found out my bf had been looking at girls in their underwear on the net. The kind of thing you see in fhm. I took it really badly, I was devastated because he always said 'I don't need to look at other girls, you are the only one for me' and I felt it was all a lie.

You are attempting to get validation that you are attractive from outside, from your boyfriend. This will never satisfy you and you will always feel insecure unless you learn to feel attractive from within, without anyone else needing to do anything to reassure you. There is a way to learn to do this - it works every time, it will not be easy, but you can do it if you really want to change.

We talked about it because I knew I couldn't forget what I had seen and he was really understanding of how I felt. I was scared he would just say 'I'm a man and it's natural' but he really knew how betrayed I felt. We are trying to work things out and since I confronted him he his trying so hard to earn my
trust.

You "confronted" him - with what? The accusation that he has a normal, natural sex drive?

I think this guy is fool for trying to suck up to your insecure attitude. I'm sorry if this offends you - I don't say it to be abrasive, I say it because I think you have something to learn from this. I'm sure he's great in other ways, and I'm sure he has your best interests at heart, but he's inadvertently reinforcing your insecurities, and in the long term that will only make you unhappy.

Instead of him supporting you in your insecurities, he would serve you better by forcing you to confront the reasons why you feel so threatened by something so insignificant as this.

My problem at the moment is I can't quite let go. I can't be naked in front of him at the moment because I feel inadequate compared to the pictures I saw

If you want to change stop this now. You know that whiny little voice in your head that says "He doesn't love me", "he thinks I'm ugly", "he thinks I'm fat" and similar things? Here's what you do: When you hear that voice, immediately hear another stronger more confident voice say "shut the ************ up" - then you get naked and do what you were afraid of. You have to confront this - head on. No half measures.

I still wonder if he thinks of them when he kisses me and we have sex, even though he said he never did before I had to ask.

No, I don't expect he does think of them, but if you keep acting so insecure, wierd and un-sexy he is bound to start looking for other women who know how to treat a man.

I know I am very insecure about myself, especially my looks and I have really low self esteem, which just got lower.

Well you know what they say about rock bottom - the only way from there is up.

I know it's mostly about how bad I feel about myself - if I had better self worth and less doubts about how someone like him could love me I would be able to forget it easier.

Here's my advice. Download some pictures of what you consider to be attractive men and women in various states of undress, maybe download some video porn which you like. Watch it with him. Honestly share between you what you find attractive or exciting about the men and women in this porn. When a negative or insecure feeling comes up do your "shut the ************ up" drill in your head and focus again on what is exciting about it, and how you can enjoy turning each other on and giving each other pleasure.

If you want I can point you to a number of resources which will really help you - drop me a PM and I will send you the links.

Gonzo