Dear, dear m0vingon, I absolutely understand your weariness. Please hear these words in the love with which they are sent.
Taking care of yourself throughout this period is your absolute, number one priority. You are essential, your well-being is essential. No one else can or will provide you with the care you require. I understand the demands of children and work but you will be unable to fulfill either of these roles if your strength is compromised any further.
When you put these two hour meetings on your calendar, block out three hours. You are unavailable to any one for any reason during the third hour. And yes, you have the right to claim this. This is your healing hour. Under no circumstance are you to negotiate with yourself the validity of this committment.
Immediately following the meeting, spend the third hour meditating, screaming at god, getting a massage, swimming for an hour, hiking, taking a long, hot bath, getting a pedicure...whatever spells I AM CARING FOR MYSELF for you. During this time - let it go. Process your feelings from the meeting, identify what requires your action and what is unaffected by anything you do. Then let it go.
Make a concious decision that his small-minded, petty, angry, bitter, name-calling, lying behavior is not you. It is not you, it is not like you, it does not belong to you, it has no effect on you. (Be prepared that you may observe an upward spike in the aforementioned behavior when you change your focus but it's for the short-term! It's a natural consequence of his tried and true behavior failing to elicit the usual response from you). When you no longer react and behave as if he is controlling you, he will lose his ability to control you.
Yes, dear, you are exhausted. You are stressed. You are angry. You feel depressed. Your coping skills are diminished. Divorce is debilitating on every level.
So give yourself what you need. Give yourself permission to give yourself what you need. Require it of yourself. Rely heavily on your friends to help support you. And if you don't have many friends that understand what you're dealing with, find some. They're all around you.
Finally, when you go to these meetings, wrap yourself up in your strength. Summon your inner Isis and do not buy in to his agenda.
Peace my friend. I'm sending energy your way...
|