Quote:
Originally Posted by butterflyeffect  My reaction to your latest post was "Go away. I hate you." |
I have a friend who has an ED (Bulimia, just like you). And for the most part, she's always been this bubbly source of inspiration to me. Just an absolute sweetheart, always rooting for me and always excited for the breakthroughs I have in my life.
Up until a week or so ago, she had never ever really said much negative to me or snapped at me (she HAS been blunt with her advice to me, but it was in a "tough love" kind of way).
Why did she "lash out" at me? Because I told her something similar to what I just told you. And that I thought she was doing great.
My first reaction to your post was, "D'oh, I did it again! I wasn't listening!"
I guess our first reactions to things can be to be defensive...to kind of pull away to heal from what we perceive as an attack (even if we know it's not an attack, it can still feel that way).
Quote:
Originally Posted by butterflyeffect Moving beyond the initial reaction, I don't like the idea that I am perfect the way I am. I want to punish the person inside for being less than perfect, for failing everyone by not being perfect. To punish myself for all the pain my family has experienced, which is of course my fault.
I hate looking in the mirror. I never see myself, I see someone else and their pale and sick looking. I keep saying to myself, thats not me, Im healthy....Logically, it has to be me, I know that but deep down I don't believe it. Its scary to admit that. I don't want to admit to the damage I've caused. I want it to go away.
I don't feel ready to say, Im perfect the way I am. It feels like Im lying to myself. I am getting used to being imperfect, to making mistakes and laughing about it but being perfect sounds very high pressure. I don't want to be perfect. I want to stay away from that label. Im okay the way I am but im choosing to heal. |
Yeah, I know that feeling..."I'm lying to myself." That's pretty familiar.
The "choosing to heal" part is interesting to me too, because I just recently said that to someone (that I'm choosing to heal, for myself and for others). Kind of funny to me to realize that I've been talking to someone who is thinking the same thing.
I wonder, though, if our choice to "heal" is producing just that...a need for something to heal FROM.