My reaction to your latest post was "Go away. I hate you."
Moving beyond the initial reaction, I don't like the idea that I am perfect the way I am. I want to punish the person inside for being less than perfect, for failing everyone by not being perfect. To punish myself for all the pain my family has experienced, which is of course my fault.
I hate looking in the mirror. I never see myself, I see someone else and their pale and sick looking. I keep saying to myself, thats not me, Im healthy....Logically, it has to be me, I know that but deep down I don't believe it. Its scary to admit that. I don't want to admit to the damage I've caused. I want it to go away.
I don't feel ready to say, Im perfect the way I am. It feels like Im lying to myself. I am getting used to being imperfect, to making mistakes and laughing about it but being perfect sounds very high pressure. I don't want to be perfect. I want to stay away from that label. Im okay the way I am but im choosing to heal.