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Originally Posted by butterflyeffect  I miss being the big sister and keeping an eye for them. I was always particularly protective of my sister, not that she ever needed it. |
Maybe you could join Big Brothers, Big Sisters.
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Originally Posted by butterflyeffect The one person I want to punish though is the little girl from early primary school. I found a photo of me in Year 1 and staring at the camera, looking vulnerable and cagey unlike most of the other photos and Im in my school uniform. Looking at the photo I feel angry, thoughts come up, "No one liked you. You were weak. You were pathetic. You deserve to hurt. You deserve everything you get." It was strange, I didn't feel that way about most of the other photos but I did about that one. I kept looking at that little girl and thinking you deserve to hurt. I think thats something I have to work through, forgiving the little girl who didn't belong in primary school. I can't keep punishing myself and her because we made a few mistakes in primary school. By mistakes I mean failure to fit in, not driving a fancy enough car, not being cool enough or whatever it is I needed to fit in. I want to let it all go. I want to stop hurting when I think about those years. I think once I stop punishing myself for not being perfect, I will be able to be free, finally. |
So, what is it about those years that activates you? Sounds like those things you said ("You were weak, you were pathetic, you deserve to hurt") might be echos of things somebody else said to you...or things you said to yourself to cope with something that happened to you...or something like that.
Perhaps the roots of your ED are buried in those years and the decisions you made about yourself in those years.