[butterflyeffect]

I have been sick for so long I have forgotten what it was like to be well. I mainly just remember life with the Ed and for a while there figured I must have always been sick.

I went through my photo albums of pictures of when I was little, before I got sick. I was going through the photos, I was so pretty, so young, gorgeous and healthy. The extra kilos came with Ed, not before that. I was looking at my family and my syblings. Sometimes they irratate me and I forget how much I love them. Looking at the pictures of all us being little together reminded me of that, I miss being the big sister and keeping an eye for them. I was always particularly protective of my sister, not that she ever needed it.

I am posting all the pictures of myself up all over my room as well as pictures of healthy older people. The Eating Disorder is going to go. Its days are numbered. Im going to get well and rock the world. I am going to put a couple of pictures of myself when I was younger in my wallet, because I don't recognise myself when I look in the mirror. I haven't for years. Its like, this isn't me? Where have I gone? I think your supposed to know what you look like without needing a mirror.

I don't want to hurt the little girl inside of me. I want to stop torturing my body. Interestingly, as I look back at the photos of little happy, smiling me and my family, what I miss most is the love. I feel like I have more money now, a bigger house, but less love. Everyone is always in a rush, always angry and always too busy for a hug. I miss the love. I miss the family road trips. I miss it all.

The one person I want to punish though is the little girl from early primary school. I found a photo of me in Year 1 and staring at the camera, looking vulnerable and cagey unlike most of the other photos and Im in my school uniform. Looking at the photo I feel angry, thoughts come up, "No one liked you. You were weak. You were pathetic. You deserve to hurt. You deserve everything you get." It was strange, I didn't feel that way about most of the other photos but I did about that one. I kept looking at that little girl and thinking you deserve to hurt. I think thats something I have to work through, forgiving the little girl who didn't belong in primary school. I can't keep punishing myself and her because we made a few mistakes in primary school. By mistakes I mean failure to fit in, not driving a fancy enough car, not being cool enough or whatever it is I needed to fit in. I want to let it all go. I want to stop hurting when I think about those years. I think once I stop punishing myself for not being perfect, I will be able to be free, finally.