| | New "Love of my life"
Spending time with my eating disorder is soo boring!!! I was baking cup cakes with my friend today and decorating them, and I was like, geez, Im kinda over processed foods. It served to highlight the obsession was empty. A reminder that once completed they are empty. As is my Ed. I'm here. I've done everything it wanted and I still feel empty when Im with him.
I feel happy and fufilled when i spend time with people and feel included. I love making collages and gorgeous pictures and my the latest love of my life is clothes. I love commerical fashion. I love couture and designer clothes as well and magazines and vogue. I just love clothes. Not shoes. Clothes. Shoes, I use and abuse, clothes I adore and treasure. I go window shopping and admire all the beautiful clothes and think, "If I become well, all this is within my reach." The drive to be able to wear beautiful clothes and experience new things is keeping me going. I want to try new things.
I went to a Japanese restraunt with my friend today and sat up at the bar to eat. (All the tables were full). I discoverd there is a whole new level of ettique to eating sushi with chop sticks and sitting at a bar. It wasn't daunting, but fun!! I was laughing the whole time, it was so strange and new and fun. I keep reminding myself that this is what wellness means. New experiences, laughs, friends and a life that I don't have to write down to remember. They say "Only good girls keep diaries, bad girls don't have time.", but in the words of Brooke Davis, "I want to live a life that I remember, even if I don't write it down."
I want to fall in love with different people over and over. I want to throw a break up party and watch soppy movies when its over. I want to hook up with the rebound guy and start again. All the while realising that Im okay and always will be. I want to stay out all night and come home when everyone else is leaving for work. I want to get soo drunk I forget what my name is. I want to laugh so much it hurts. I want to be silly. I want to forget the compass and treck on anyway. I want to go sailing. I want to learn to windsurf. I want to live near the beach. I want to model. I want to travel the world. Most of all I want to be well.