Quote:
Originally Posted by Shamou  This sounds quite suspicious to me… the main reason that people are ostracized is because, in one way or another, they are different... |
What Lychee said.
It's worse in primary school and high school because:
(a) people are forming their sense of identity, and they do that in relation to those around them. Kids probably just labeled you 'the loser' for fear that otherwise it would be them!; and
(b) school is its own isolated universe away from any real-world meaning. In the absence of any real-world meaning, popularity at school becomes
the reason for existence (see Paul Graham's essay
Why nerds are unpopular).
The good news is that High School ends. The trick is not to let its traumas follow you into the real world.
VetTechJess,
you're giving up your power. Sure, other people can choose how they perceive you, but you
can choose how you perceive yourself. Only
you can control who you are and what you do. People can call you loser, but whether or not you
act like a loser is up to you.
BTW, I would be the last to suggest therapy, but if you go that path it makes a lot of difference
which therapy you do. CBT/REBT has proven as effective as drugs at treating depression, with longer-lasting results. But a lot of therapists still use outmoded and ineffective approaches.
There's a good book called "Learned Optimism". You can read the book if you like (it explains how the book's approach was scientifically verified), but I'll give you the core in a nutshell:
Optimism basically boils down to how you view things that happen to you.
Optimists view good things as: generalised, permanent and personal
and bad things as: specific, temporary and impersonal.
A couple of examples:
It rains and you've forgotten your umbrella. A pessimist might think "Typical (generalised) - I'm always forgetting my umbrella (permanent) - I'm such a screwup (personal)". An optimist might think "I forgot my umbrella today (temporary) - that phone call (specific) distracted me (impersonal) from remembering".
You get promoted at work. A pessimist might think "I guess it was finally my turn (specific, impermanent, impersonal). An optimist might think "I earned that (personal) through my great customer service skills (specific) - if I keep working at it I can keep getting promoted! (permanent).
Note: The author makes it clear that he does
not view this as an excuse to abdicate all responsibility - he considers generalised/specific and permanent/temporary to be more important than personal/impersonal. He also points out that there are times that you want to tap into your pessimistic side - when looking into high risk ventures or performing high detail work.
To put these priniciples into practice, when you find yourself thinking about things in a negative way,
dispute them mentally.
To take your example of being picked on by a fellow Walmart employee:
(a) Is this a permanent problem? No. You're not going to be working with this person forever. (In fact, I'd be looking for employment elsewhere anyway - I'm sure you can do better than Walmart).
(b) Is this a general problem? Not really - it's localised to shared shifts with this person. You spend the majority of your time elsewhere.
(c) Is this truly terrible? Let's comparison test. how bad is it compared to having your limbs blown off? Being tortured and slowly killed? On a scale of 1-100 how catastrophic is it? Maybe a 25? You can handle a 25!
Why this matters is, not only do you feel better, but it's
empowering. Badness isn't an all-pervasive aspect of your life - it's a temporary challenge to be overcome! You're not omnipotent (unless you believe those Law of Attraction guys) but you
do have a lot more ability to affect things than you think you do. The main thing holding you back is
you.
Choose your lens.