As I said in my previous post, I can very neatly dodge responsibility by using my eating disorder (ED) as a buffer. For example, if I allow myself to engage in eating disordered behaviors like binging or starving, I can avoid dealing with the core reasons for my anxiety because I will be too out of it to do much. My parents will have to step in try to take responsibility while I blame everything on my ED but in the same breath, tell everyone how hard I'm trying. Self delusion at its best. I truly believe my own lies..
What lies are you feeding yourself? What habbits are you holding on to, to prevent responsibility? Is it that you have to look after the kids, the business or other adult matters? So of course you can't be expected to feed yourself properly and take care of you... I mean seriously, you just don't have time...
No, we choose to lie to ourselves instead, or at least I do.
- I have alot of performance anxiety in regard to exams.
- I need to ensure I manage my workload so that I minimise stress around exam time and am well prepared ahead of time.
- I am the one who is employed, not my family, it is my responsibility to show up looking beautiful and well dressed.
- If I am sick, I need to phone my boss, not my mother..that idea scares me alot (My boss is really lovely so its irrational).
- I need to lay out my clothes and make up and lunch and organise travel arrangements.
- I have stopped going to doctors to fix me. I am now going so they can help and work with me to get better.
- The difference is I am now an active participant in getting healthy and taking full responsibility for ensuring I choose the right team to work with.
- If I say I will show up, then I actually need to follow through.
- I need to make the effort to meet up with my friends and keep in touch.
- I need to focus on stimulating my mind by pursuing my interests besides food.
- I love photography and commercial fashion and advertising.
- I love reading fantasy novels by Richelle Mead and vampires
- I love creating collage and writing stores
- I like sewing and spending time with little kids
- I want to help the world. In fact I want to save the entire world, every single person on it. This can lead me to focusing on 'sick' people or being primarily interested in helping people solve thier problems and then finding the next person in need.
This is ineffective, unhelpful for me and the other person and at this stage I cannot help the entire world by myself in a vaccum.
- I want to volunteer some of my time over the christmas holidays to help out at the Eating Disorder Foundation or a similiar organisation that helps people with mental illness rather than focusing on a single individual.
- I am going to keep smiling at other people as I walk past, sharing my love and gratitude with everyone in my life from wonderful waiters to dedicated doctors. You are all unbelievable valuable and I appreciate you all.
- Charity, just because I can't directly help every single person doesn't mean my money can't. I want to continue to give money to charities that inspire me and help others like the Ronald McDonald Foundation for Sick Kids.
- I will continue to support the underdog and buy from small business when I can, like buying coffee from a family business instead of the corporate chain.
- I will strive to get well myself and show the world that people with eating disorders are valuable and its not terminal. I want to give hope and light to anyone who struggles with it, rather than assign judgements based on severity and particular diagnosis, thats what hospital is for.