| | Taking Responsibility
I have noticed a pattern in my life where I palm off responsibility to external circumstances or individuals. This is primarily done through avoidance and lying. If I find myself getting overwhelmed with anxiety about circumstances I sometimes choose to give in to the anxiety and just avoid dealing with the issue by focusing on the weight problem instead. Realistically, the only reason I have a weight problem is so I don't have to deal with the real problems.
My biggest fear that I have become aware of lately is,
"What if I lose weight and people still don't like me? That would mean I'm bad and unlovable and theres no hope left of changing it."
I have spent a lifetime believing, that if I was small enough people would like me.
"I'll lose soo much weight you'll be begging me to eat."
"I'm going to lose lots of weight and then you'll be sorry you weren't nicer to me".
Thats all very nice in theory but the reality remains thinness doesn't equate to love. I am trying to let go of past rejections and feelings of lonliness. I didn't always feel I fit in primary school, I was often the odd one out and just a bit behind my peers in terms of emotional development. They had fallen in love with MSN and boys while I wanted to dress up and play in the park. Neither group was wrong or bad, we were just mismatched and as a result I didn't always feel wanted or accepted. Looking back it was no ones fault and it said nothing about me as a person. I am trying to let go of those residual feelings of embarrassment and shame at who I was and am now. I think essentially I'm never going to be your mainstream fashion diva, I'll always be well spoken, quirky but loving all the same and thats okay. Or it will be as soon as I start believing it.