[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Some of you may remember my post titled "How can I do better?" Here we go again, another long post...

The relationship I was asking for advice on has ended and in a very painful way. I am now trying to figure out how to cope and thrive in the face of something that has made me feel very betrayed and empty. I had told him that I would give him some space if needed. He sent many mixed signals calling me and having good talks and then telling me he needed that space after we had made plans. He told me he wanted to break up on Saturday night. By Monday I discovered that he has been spending a great deal of time talking to someone else and I suspected the worst. My suspicions were confirmed. They were actually worse than I thought. The "other woman" if she can even be considered such is underage (we are in our twenties). He has said it is not what I think, but others have told me of pretty compelling evidence to the contrary. In my heart I know he's lying to me as I can see it when he talks to me. At the same time I did not want our relationship to end on a sour note and us become enemies. I told him (when all I had was suspicion) that I would like it if we could be friends and if he needed anyone to talk to that I would be there. He told me he would like that and asked if he could have a hug; I hesitated but agreed. He mentioned what a difficult time he was having (lost his job due to this - he had told me he quit, mother and brother were "kicking him when he's down"). I could see he was having a hard time. Now I know what he has done and I feel very betrayed. Still, I love him. I want him to be happy. I know how he is and right now I know he feels everyone is against him (I cannot say I blame them, please know I DO NOT condone what he has done - though no one has caught them "in the act").

There are things I have told myself. I believe he does feel for me and that the reason he's keeping the truth hidden from me is that he knows full well that what he is doing is wrong and he cares at least on some level about my feelings. I know he was very frustrated about my jealousy and insecurity. While I know there is no excuse for his behavior, I can see where he thinks he is justified. I also think he is lying to himself a little because he has always been very harsh on people who daly with underage people. In short, I feel like he is grasping at staws here, confused, angry and generally messed up. I have not spoken to him since I was made aware of the full extent of the situation. On Tuesday he said he wanted to come mow the yard for me this weekend if it was okay. I told him I would appreciate it. We haven't spoken since.

After this long post, if you've made it this far, what I need is some insight from people who have been in this or a similar situation (though I hope not exactly like this). I feel so empty and at the same time so full of anger and despair at losing my first love (I waited until I was 25 to be with anyone). I also worry for him because while I don't think he "should" be with me (if he should be/could be, he would - he's doing the best he knows how at the moment) I do think what he is doing is ultimately self destructive. I want to be there for him as all of this ineveitably comes crashing down around him, but I don't want to be taken advantage of. Most of his stuff is still at my house and he has nowhere to put it since he's crashing with a friend (and his new girlfriend lives with her mommy and daddy - I am not without bitterness). Where is the line where I can love him and want the best for him, even be a listening ear and not at the same time lose my self-respect and dignity. I have suspicion that one day he will regret all of this since I know I am a good and faithful companion, though I have my own insecurities to work through. I have always been there when he needed me. I don't want to slam the door in his face, but I don't want to be walked all over either. I suppose there is no point in trying to get him to admit what he's at, but what would be the best course? I do want him to remove all of his stuff from my house as it's just taunting me and a constant reminder of what he's done and how I've lost.

I know this is all jumbled. I will clarify if it will help. I have seen so many people give wonderful advice on this forum. I am eager to learn from the wisdom of others. FYI, I have been reading Steve's blogs as well as Loving What Is by Byron Katie. It is a deep struggle for me right now as I vascilate between almost hating him and knowing that's not true. I still love him with all my heart and want the best for him even if that's not me. But it still hurts like hell. And the PD stuff helps while I am reading it, but if I sit for even a minute without something to occupy me, I sink into negative thoughts again. In addition, I have felt nauseous and weak for the past few days due to all the emotion and stress I have been dealing with. Help me sages!