Quote:
Originally Posted by Grazioso07  Hi Betty,
I actually joined this forum simply to reply to your message - mainly to get some advice from you! I know that may sound silly, but here is the situation... I just googled this phrase: "Dealing with jealousy from others."
You see, ummm, I am one of those girls, I guess?? I mean, I don't wear the trendy clothes and obsess about the hottest makeup. I go for a more timeless look - on the inside and the outside. I don't know if that makes any sense, but... well...
I mean, I have been asked if I was a model before. I have people telling me how beautiful I am all the time, and I appreciate it. It is very kind of them to compliment me like that. But the saddest thing is when I walk down the sidewalk only to see numerous girls at different times look me up and down and snarl. It hurts.
Once a girl actually told me that she was "surprised that I was so nice and would be her friend because I was so pretty." It broke my heart, and I can't tell you how many times I have been told that. Even my fiance told me when we started dating that he didn't think I would go for him at first because I was "too beautiful."
It hurt so much, and to be honest, I even started to sabatoge myself. I stopped exercising, stopped eating healthy, and I just wore sweatshirts all the time. Was I happy? NO! I wasn't taking care of myself or respecting my body. I gained a lot of weight, and I wasn't nearly as healthy. But, people still told me how beautiful I was. I gained like 40 lbs, and I was STILL getting the SAME comments!
Well, I lost the weight because my wedding is coming up, and I was starting to realize that I had to respect my body no matter what people did or said about me.
I am just having a hard time dealing with it because its like... why would God give me something that most people would look at as a gift, only to have so many other people feel inadequate or jealous because of it? It makes me feel like what should be a good thing has turned rotten.
And, please don't misunderstand me. I am not trying to brag and say that I am "so" beautiful. I just don't really know how to handle it... I shouldn't have to hide my gifts. I shouldn't have to disrespect myself. I shouldn't have to feel bad about this. At the same time, I don't want to feel like I am inflicting pain on other girls - girls who are so beautiful on the inside AND on the outside. Girls who I sometimes think are just afraid of loving themselves.
So, what would you tell one of those girls on campus if they were struggling with this?
Thank you for your help, and I hope that in answering my question, you will find some answers to your own. |
My suggestion is to make a new post in this forum with your question to get better responces, I'll try and give a guy's perspective on this...
First of all you need to understand that society is very focused on looks, this is partially primal instinct and partially market value (attaching a product to a beautifull women is one of the oldest tricks). What this means is that a women who's whole body/face is 'perfect' naturally gets jealousy from the society in general, especially from other women. From there viewpoints, it is increasing your social 'face' value and they feel below you on the social ladder. This brings in a competetive nature, since they can't compete on the looks they bring in the nasty parts of human nature.
The above you probably already knew from personal experience so now I'll try and give a viewpoint from the male perspective. For 'us' its extraordinary scary to talk to a beautifull women, yes I said scary. In essence its a feeling of insecurity about ourselves, 98% of the men don't think they can get you so they put themselves below you. To try and get on a even level they either start giving presents/compliments etc or they don't even try. What happens most of the time is a process in the mind, first they spot you walking down the street (this is going to be fairly blunt so excuse me in advance) than;
1) To be blunt, we get horny. Sex is immediatley on our mind. Its how we are programmed by nature and difficult to deny. This doesn't mean that we immediately want to jump on you, it just means where at the very least interested with sex in the back of our mind.
2) We remember past experiences with females, all the crash and burns. This all happens subconsciously, consciously it manifests into thoughts about WHY we shouldn't approach you or act the way men act around you.
3) Than eventually we start shaking in our shoes, put you on a pedestial and either a) approach you and start complimenting you into heaven or b) never get around to the approach part.
note: Men behave around women all the time like this, part of the handicap of society. Extraordinary beautifull women are just plain and simple even scarier than 'normal' women. Men have been taught there entire life's that they can get girls by giving them presents/talking them into heaven/acting subordinate, and thats just not the way the game works. This is more of a personal rant so I'll leave it at that.
So is there really any way to get around all of this?
Well I think there is, you have to internalize that the world you are living in is a reflection of yourself. So these experiences are really only telling you that subconsciously you have a limiting belief about yourself. Looking at your story it sounds like your trying to find excuses for your own beauty like you didn't deserve it.
What you have to do is accept yourself completely, your beautifull and thats totally fine. Now this sounds incredibly corny but it really works. But for it to work you NEED to internalize it. It has to be part of your whole being all the time, and you shouldn't even consciously have to think about it.
A exercise that might help is standing infront of the mirror every morning (make it a standard part of your routine) and say 'Damn I'm really really GLAD I look so beautifull, thank you god !!' proceed to do a fistpump in the air. This should at the very least make you feel better about yourself.
Note that this also works the other way around if you belief that everybody is more beautifull than yourself, or if you feel the need to be like the supermodels...
You can modify the text into whatever you like as long as its positive and adresses your limiting belief.
Make a real conscious effort to remind yourself during the day that its ok to be beautifull. Try to see situations where the limiting belief is present, for instance if people give you nasty stare's and your inner talk starts about how everybody dislikes you about looks and that its such a handicap blah blah blah. STOP the moment you recognize this happening, remind yourself that its ok to be beautifull and remember that for all you know that particular person just had a really crappy day. For all I care imagine that everyone who is giving you a nasty stare just has a crappy day, they'r amazing persons the rest of the time. And all the people that constantly compliment you are just having a GREAT day and want to share this.
Try and keep that attitude the entire time, it will be really tough in the beginning and you will be constantly dragging your thoughts back to the happy things but keep at it. I promise its going to get easier and easier, eventually you will have it internalized and than you drag yourself away from those limiting beliefs without even noticing it...
What happens next depends on your viewpoint of reality, whether you believe in objective reality or subjective reality.
In the objective reality your brain will start filtering the information, so eventually you don't even notice all the nasty looks and reactions anymore. The way you react and act will also change and reflect that you are a open, nice and confident person which in turn affects how people react to you.
In the subjective reality you recreate the reality around you to fit your inner beliefs, this means that the people actually change because YOU changed. There's a whole story behind subjective reality and I can make a entire e-book about it, if your interested in it just look around stevepavlina.com. Steve has a few articles about this, and there are a lot of topics in these forums talking about it.
Now it doesn't really matter what you viewpoint of reality is, because it works either way. If you don't change your own limiting beliefs than this will never change...
Ps. This post turned out a lot longer than I thought so I hope it helps you out, either way it also helped me clear up some thoughts about this subject (namely society/subjective reality).
Edit; This is very similar to what dharma is talking about in how to deal with all of these problems. I'm finding that when I apply the technique's above in my own life I can see the changes around me happening...