Hey Gracestars,
I definately relate to what you are going through. Have dragged myself out of clinical and non-clinical depression for over 15 years now...only started to come good in the last two or three...I'm weening off meds now though I put off going on them for the first 10 yrs and suffered unnecessarily for my stubborness
Of course it's good if you can find people IRL to be able to talk about this stuff to, but the reality is it is extremely hard to find people who will help to create a safe enough space to be able to release it and express. I've found myself making progress with journalling and art therapy only to regress back to previously dysfunctional ways of bottling emotions...especially anger, which was a BIG no-no in my family. I still have trouble with anger at times, even though I punch pillows, scream into pillows and take a foam batt to (you guessed it) my pillows (poor, poor pillows
), it still manages to leak out in ways that I would prefer it didn't...and cause people to not want to talk to me
I think it's very brave that you took the risk here, and I doubt anyone would judge you or hate you for it. I am inspired by you, and hopefully it will help me to start opening up more as well, cos I've really needed to for years, but haven't been able to trust anyone enough to.
Bottom line is, you're such an awesome person. I struggle with the same thing to do with Self-flagelation...I've quit cigarettes, drinking and drugs...but beating myself up is the hardest habit to break I've found. I have no idea where to start, though I think it helps to be able to catch ourselves when we start punishing ourselves, and consciously change the neg self-dialogue...like "well, hang on, I'm really not that bad...I've got some pretty good things about me...(and then list those good things) and even if I made this mistake, it's o.k cos I'm not perfect and I'm not supposed to be...I can still love myself and learn from this mistake...which is what the point of making mistakes is...to learn from them. If I didn't make so many I'd have nothing to learn...and I'd be bored
"
You see where I'm going with this. The hardest part is actually catching yourself thinking poorly about yourself and turn the tide...starting a new habit of speaking kindly to yourself. This is my conclusion anyhoo.
Hope it helps, and I really hope you feel better soon. Lots and lots of Love