[Lychee]

I admitted that I dont "need" her, though she felt she "needed" me. That didn't help. She told me she wanted more emotive responses from me, but I felt I was giving them. I just couldn't bring myself to lie and tell her I couldn't live without her. Because, technically, I could. Anyone can. Maybe this was me digging my grave.

Of course not. You should never say that to someone. Your independence of beliefs resulted in independence of the relationship. When you say that you don't need to be with someone, you are telling them indirectly that you don't WANT to be with them.

...I talked to her about this, perhaps slightly too confrontationally, and she got VERY stroppy with me. (this is not unusual these days.) She said that I just always want her to change and that she cant handle that. "I'm not who I used to be and you can't deal with that" I quote. To be fair, I poured my feelings out to her (again) and she didn't take it very well. I've done it before, saying she can be slightly nonchalant when it comes to our relationship in public. If there's an empty seat next to me in college, she'd rather sit a few seats away next to someone she doesn't know very well. WHY? It's odd, because i KNOW she does love me. She says it all the time in private and gets really upset if I don't respond lovingly myself. I'm convinced, deep down, she loves me.

How did you articulate your feelings? Did you say them in the same way you told her that you didn't need her? Did her nonchalance come in after you told her you didn't need her and could live without her? If so, she is probably trying to prove to you that she doesn't need to be with you either because that's what she thinks you said to her.

My jealousy here was unexplainable. It was getting to rage; not a good place to me. Eventually I started shivering and experienced the closest I've ever had to despair. I had to go out there. I went out, saying I couldn't sleep, and roll the worst moment of my life. She was sitting up with him, cuddling him, with her head on his shoulder. When she saw me come in, she got up VERY quickly and looked the guiltiest I've ever seen anyone. "I'm going to bed" she said quickly. When we got into the bedroom, she saw me shivering and played the innocent game.

I assume that you too love her deep down because of your reaction to this.

A lot of 'arguing' ensued. I don't argue. I state my feelings. I told her I felt betrayed, because her boyfriend was in one room, and she was flirting with another guy, who has a reputation for being horny and just after one thing. Seems odd for someone who doesn't want sex. At first she claimed she had done nothing wrong. Then she eventually admitted what she did was unfair to me. She asked forgiveness and I said I didn't know if I could. This holiday had been terrible for me and her, as a couple, and I was due to leave the next morning. Can you level with me here; how am I supposed to trust her after that? She told me she likes other guys company and she can't help that. What about my company? She never seems to enjoy my company. So, she's fine being with some random bloke in public, but she claims she doesn't want to leave our friend out when we're holding hands on a walk.

I understand, but realize that if you tell someone that you don't need them and can live without them, they will not forget it overnight, especially if the other person feels much differently than you do. She wanted to keep her distance from you to prove that she could do the same with you. Maybe she was aloof because of what you said and she acted this way toward the guy. But I think she is very deeply hurt by what you said to her which explains the behavior. You think that it is nothing and you were being honest, but she does not think the same way as you do. You said things to her in a way which may have translated in her brain a feeling of indifference from your end. Maybe she was confused by your telling her you could live without her and then getting jealous that day.

Your manner of communication is different from hers. Your beliefs her different from hers. Your consciousness is different than hers. When you are trying to teach a student something or explain something to someone, you explain to them on their level of understanding so they can get it. I'm not trying to say she is "lower" than you but she understands things differently.

I felt this was a really inappropriate way to act to your boyfriend. All my friends there made jokes about it too, they wereon her side, as it looked like i overreacted. She knows I can get jealous. What's ironic is that she gets jealous. If i so much as hug a girl (who I'm really not attracted to, which is obvious to everyone) she'll get s***ty with me. So she knows it was a bad thing to do, but doesn't mind that everyone is against me anyway.

Maybe she thinks it was inappropriate for you to tell her you could live without her. Maybe she thinks you don't love her as much as she does.

I said I'd come down again this week and she just said "no I'm really busy and you could spend your time much better." Now THAT doesn't inject much trust, does it? I haven't a clue what she's doing with these older guys. Probably nothing, but at any rate, she knows how I'll be feeling. She could at least say she'd like to but no.

She's hurt.

It makes me feel like she's having her cake and eating it, then coming back to her hometown (where she gets very little male attention other than me, by the way) and having her cake there? Surely this decision to take me or leave me (I said that to her) should have been instant, if she truely still loves me? I'm not sure she does. And I don't want to be in a relationship like that.

Would you want to be in a relationship with someone whom you love so much and they tell you they can live without you and they don't need you?


Your uncertainty in the relationship is because of her recent behavior. Think about the times when you were together the past year or so and things were great. You both went through ups and downs and got through them, didn't you? You are looking at things from a detached perspective which can be helpful, but see things from her point of view. Her boyfriend, whom she loves very much, tells her that he doesn't need her (maybe she thinks that he doesn't want her) and he can live without her. This probably runs counter to what she believes is love.

She may be wondering "Does he love me or not? Does he want to be with me or not?" As much as you are doubting your love, so is she. Her behavior confuses you, your behavior confuses her. Get through the confusion by being honest with her, but with compassion and understanding. Ask her to be honest with you as well.