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earlybird · 04-08-2007, 10:17 AM

Ok, I have a feeling this is going to be a dragged out post, so don't read on if you can't stand a bit of rambling (or intense elaboration).

This is my first post on the forum. I signed up for it, I think maybe just to vent. I'll probably know what to do after I've written this all down. Here goes.

Me and my girlfriend have been together 17 months now. We're young, though, so it means alot to us. We're far more mature than our ages. 17 going on 27. The first year was brilliant. I'm talking love. I saw myself with her forever. She resonated such perfection.

After a year, I started to notice things. I've always recognised a problem with us from day one. She is a Christian and I am not. In fact, I am very spiritual (and i REALLY struggle to find someone else my age to relate with there; she is the closest I have.) The separating belief is that she believes in hell and I simply do not believe there would be such uncalled for cruelty, as there is no inherent evil. I think this started to creep through after a year, when we couldn't avoid the subject anymore. I read the books called Conversations With God at the start of our relationship and had grown in to these paradigms without her. It was a very spiritually rewarding year. I'm well on my way to a great life, I feel.

We (she) started being a bit more argumentitive. I avoided arguing and spoke to her from my heart. I admitted that I dont "need" her, though she felt she "needed" me. That didn't help. She told me she wanted more emotive responses from me, but I felt I was giving them. I just couldn't bring myself to lie and tell her I couldn't live without her. Because, technically, I could. Anyone can. Maybe this was me digging my grave.

From then on, our relationship hasn't been so good. She doesn't have a great time at home and her back is in dire condition (she refuses to recieve operative treatment as she is afraid, which is a shame as it would improve her so much.) I feel she is living a lie by being religious. She is so compassionate and caring and I know religion holds her back. She feels she needs to abstain from sex (I've forgotten the word for some reason), for example, even though she's told me time after time she can't wait until she's "allowed" to do it. She told me it doesn't make any sense to her and it's just an expression of love, so I told her to go with what she feels, and of course, she gave me the "quiet, horny man" look. I'm actually more bothered that she's shutting her feelings off in this situation than about not having sex. I can express love in other ways for now - I'm not used to sex at the moment, anyway.

Now, here's the recent problem. She's on "holiday" for the Easter Holidays. She's working in a place a few hours away as a waitress. I went over there to see her for a couple of days (she's sharing a caravan with a friend, who happens to be one of my best friends too [she's female, to clarify]). From the first minute I came in she did what's typical of her recently. She was very distant. We went for walks and as I tried to hold her hand she'd let go after a couple of minutes. We used to tease each other all the time, but I stopped doing it of late as she took it too personally, yet she continues to do it. She makes comments which are now beyond teasing and, to be quite honest, are quite degrading if anything. Now I talked to her about this, perhaps slightly too confrontationally, and she got VERY stroppy with me. (this is not unusual these days.) She said that I just always want her to change and that she cant handle that. "I'm not who I used to be and you can't deal with that" I quote. To be fair, I poured my feelings out to her (again) and she didn't take it very well. I've done it before, saying she can be slightly nonchalant when it comes to our relationship in public. If there's an empty seat next to me in college, she'd rather sit a few seats away next to someone she doesn't know very well. WHY? It's odd, because i KNOW she does love me. She says it all the time in private and gets really upset if I don't respond lovingly myself. I'm convinced, deep down, she loves me.

In this caravan site, her and our friend were throwing a staff party in their caravan. That night we made up. She had a little to drink (she rarely does) and got tipsy. That's ok, she was like normal. Actually, perhaps a bit nicer to me than usual. We had a nice time that night (she was aware of what she was doing, she wasn't out of control at all). I don't drink and it was about 2 am, so I said I was going to bed. We said goodnight and I came back out after getting ready for bed to say goodnight to everyone else and I find she's sitting next to some guy with his legs on her and IMO, she was enjoying it a bit too much. She actually seemed to be smiling more with him than she had with me all holiday.
I said nothing and went to bed. I heard someone tell her I seemed a bit annoyed (bless him, at least someone's aware) ands he came in to see me. In fairness I was blowing things out of proportion being upset over it. I admit, I'm overprotective. I told her this and she said she'd come to bed, then. I told her not to worry, I was being silly, but do come back fairly soon or I'll get worried. I tried to get to sleep when she went back out, but they were all very loud. I heard so many things that made me VERY VERY angry. Lots of audible flirting from her and this guy. I heard the other people calling her "jailbait", i.e she's too young for this guy as he is over 18 and she is not, and telling him jokingly to "get off the jailbait". My jealousy here was unexplainable. It was getting to rage; not a good place to me. Eventually I started shivering and experienced the closest I've ever had to despair. I had to go out there. I went out, saying I couldn't sleep, and roll the worst moment of my life. She was sitting up with him, cuddling him, with her head on his shoulder. When she saw me come in, she got up VERY quickly and looked the guiltiest I've ever seen anyone. "I'm going to bed" she said quickly. When we got into the bedroom, she saw me shivering and played the innocent game.

A lot of 'arguing' ensued. I don't argue. I state my feelings. I told her I felt betrayed, because her boyfriend was in one room, and she was flirting with another guy, who has a reputation for being horny and just after one thing. Seems odd for someone who doesn't want sex. At first she claimed she had done nothing wrong. Then she eventually admitted what she did was unfair to me. She asked forgiveness and I said I didn't know if I could. This holiday had been terrible for me and her, as a couple, and I was due to leave the next morning. Can you level with me here; how am I supposed to trust her after that? She told me she likes other guys company and she can't help that. What about my company? She never seems to enjoy my company. So, she's fine being with some random bloke in public, but she claims she doesn't want to leave our friend out when we're holding hands on a walk.

It was a terrible night. Eventually, we sort of 'made up'. We slept together (not sex, to clarify, just fell asleep

) and the next morning she just got up without telling me. The whole of that morning I tried talking to her about it a bit more, because I needed comfort that it was going to be ok. She was fed up apparently, and couldn't be doing with it. I felt this was a really inappropriate way to act to your boyfriend. All my friends there made jokes about it too, they wereon her side, as it looked like i overreacted. She knows I can get jealous. What's ironic is that she gets jealous. If i so much as hug a girl (who I'm really not attracted to, which is obvious to everyone) she'll get s***ty with me. So she knows it was a bad thing to do, but doesn't mind that everyone is against me anyway.

We left on an ok note. It was still to be resolved. Now the last 24 hours for me have been remorseful. Ive sat and thought for a LONG time. I've realised, quite amicably, in my opinion, that I haven't always been right. For a long time, before our first year 'anniversary' came about, she clearly loved me more. She texted, called me more often. She wrote me poems and songs. She asked after me all the time. ANd I was ok with this, but maybe didn't express it back as much. I've grown to love her, it has to be said. Towards the tail end of our first year together, I loved her much more than at first, but then she seemed to go the other way, I guess. I realised this. I called her and told her this and said I was sorry for all that (I don't want to go in to detail, but it wasn't me making it up, I wasn't a great boyfriend.) I said I was willing to give her 100% from now on, forever. I was really raring to give our relationship one last go that would keep it going forever or end it, amen. I told her to not make a decision now, but to call me at some point that night and say if she really wanted us. Because, recently, she really hasn't seem to cared. I said I'd come down again this week and she just said "no I'm really busy and you could spend your time much better." Now THAT doesn't inject much trust, does it? I haven't a clue what she's doing with these older guys. Probably nothing, but at any rate, she knows how I'll be feeling. She could at least say she'd like to but no.
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04-08-2007, 10:17 AM	#1 (permalink)
earlybird Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Portsmouth, UK Posts: 14	Please take the time to help me. Ok, I have a feeling this is going to be a dragged out post, so don't read on if you can't stand a bit of rambling (or intense elaboration). This is my first post on the forum. I signed up for it, I think maybe just to vent. I'll probably know what to do after I've written this all down. Here goes. Me and my girlfriend have been together 17 months now. We're young, though, so it means alot to us. We're far more mature than our ages. 17 going on 27. The first year was brilliant. I'm talking love. I saw myself with her forever. She resonated such perfection. After a year, I started to notice things. I've always recognised a problem with us from day one. She is a Christian and I am not. In fact, I am very spiritual (and i REALLY struggle to find someone else my age to relate with there; she is the closest I have.) The separating belief is that she believes in hell and I simply do not believe there would be such uncalled for cruelty, as there is no inherent evil. I think this started to creep through after a year, when we couldn't avoid the subject anymore. I read the books called Conversations With God at the start of our relationship and had grown in to these paradigms without her. It was a very spiritually rewarding year. I'm well on my way to a great life, I feel. We (she) started being a bit more argumentitive. I avoided arguing and spoke to her from my heart. I admitted that I dont "need" her, though she felt she "needed" me. That didn't help. She told me she wanted more emotive responses from me, but I felt I was giving them. I just couldn't bring myself to lie and tell her I couldn't live without her. Because, technically, I could. Anyone can. Maybe this was me digging my grave. From then on, our relationship hasn't been so good. She doesn't have a great time at home and her back is in dire condition (she refuses to recieve operative treatment as she is afraid, which is a shame as it would improve her so much.) I feel she is living a lie by being religious. She is so compassionate and caring and I know religion holds her back. She feels she needs to abstain from sex (I've forgotten the word for some reason), for example, even though she's told me time after time she can't wait until she's "allowed" to do it. She told me it doesn't make any sense to her and it's just an expression of love, so I told her to go with what she feels, and of course, she gave me the "quiet, horny man" look. I'm actually more bothered that she's shutting her feelings off in this situation than about not having sex. I can express love in other ways for now - I'm not used to sex at the moment, anyway. Now, here's the recent problem. She's on "holiday" for the Easter Holidays. She's working in a place a few hours away as a waitress. I went over there to see her for a couple of days (she's sharing a caravan with a friend, who happens to be one of my best friends too [she's female, to clarify]). From the first minute I came in she did what's typical of her recently. She was very distant. We went for walks and as I tried to hold her hand she'd let go after a couple of minutes. We used to tease each other all the time, but I stopped doing it of late as she took it too personally, yet she continues to do it. She makes comments which are now beyond teasing and, to be quite honest, are quite degrading if anything. Now I talked to her about this, perhaps slightly too confrontationally, and she got VERY stroppy with me. (this is not unusual these days.) She said that I just always want her to change and that she cant handle that. "I'm not who I used to be and you can't deal with that" I quote. To be fair, I poured my feelings out to her (again) and she didn't take it very well. I've done it before, saying she can be slightly nonchalant when it comes to our relationship in public. If there's an empty seat next to me in college, she'd rather sit a few seats away next to someone she doesn't know very well. WHY? It's odd, because i KNOW she does love me. She says it all the time in private and gets really upset if I don't respond lovingly myself. I'm convinced, deep down, she loves me. In this caravan site, her and our friend were throwing a staff party in their caravan. That night we made up. She had a little to drink (she rarely does) and got tipsy. That's ok, she was like normal. Actually, perhaps a bit nicer to me than usual. We had a nice time that night (she was aware of what she was doing, she wasn't out of control at all). I don't drink and it was about 2 am, so I said I was going to bed. We said goodnight and I came back out after getting ready for bed to say goodnight to everyone else and I find she's sitting next to some guy with his legs on her and IMO, she was enjoying it a bit too much. She actually seemed to be smiling more with him than she had with me all holiday. I said nothing and went to bed. I heard someone tell her I seemed a bit annoyed (bless him, at least someone's aware) ands he came in to see me. In fairness I was blowing things out of proportion being upset over it. I admit, I'm overprotective. I told her this and she said she'd come to bed, then. I told her not to worry, I was being silly, but do come back fairly soon or I'll get worried. I tried to get to sleep when she went back out, but they were all very loud. I heard so many things that made me VERY VERY angry. Lots of audible flirting from her and this guy. I heard the other people calling her "jailbait", i.e she's too young for this guy as he is over 18 and she is not, and telling him jokingly to "get off the jailbait". My jealousy here was unexplainable. It was getting to rage; not a good place to me. Eventually I started shivering and experienced the closest I've ever had to despair. I had to go out there. I went out, saying I couldn't sleep, and roll the worst moment of my life. She was sitting up with him, cuddling him, with her head on his shoulder. When she saw me come in, she got up VERY quickly and looked the guiltiest I've ever seen anyone. "I'm going to bed" she said quickly. When we got into the bedroom, she saw me shivering and played the innocent game. A lot of 'arguing' ensued. I don't argue. I state my feelings. I told her I felt betrayed, because her boyfriend was in one room, and she was flirting with another guy, who has a reputation for being horny and just after one thing. Seems odd for someone who doesn't want sex. At first she claimed she had done nothing wrong. Then she eventually admitted what she did was unfair to me. She asked forgiveness and I said I didn't know if I could. This holiday had been terrible for me and her, as a couple, and I was due to leave the next morning. Can you level with me here; how am I supposed to trust her after that? She told me she likes other guys company and she can't help that. What about my company? She never seems to enjoy my company. So, she's fine being with some random bloke in public, but she claims she doesn't want to leave our friend out when we're holding hands on a walk. It was a terrible night. Eventually, we sort of 'made up'. We slept together (not sex, to clarify, just fell asleep ) and the next morning she just got up without telling me. The whole of that morning I tried talking to her about it a bit more, because I needed comfort that it was going to be ok. She was fed up apparently, and couldn't be doing with it. I felt this was a really inappropriate way to act to your boyfriend. All my friends there made jokes about it too, they wereon her side, as it looked like i overreacted. She knows I can get jealous. What's ironic is that she gets jealous. If i so much as hug a girl (who I'm really not attracted to, which is obvious to everyone) she'll get s**ty with me. So she knows it was a bad thing to do, but doesn't mind that everyone is against me anyway. We left on an ok note. It was still to be resolved. Now the last 24 hours for me have been remorseful. Ive sat and thought for a LONG time. I've realised, quite amicably, in my opinion, that I haven't always been right. For a long time, before our first year 'anniversary' came about, she clearly loved me more. She texted, called me more often. She wrote me poems and songs. She asked after me all the time. ANd I was ok with this, but maybe didn't express it back as much. I've grown* to love her, it has to be said. Towards the tail end of our first year together, I loved her much more than at first, but then she seemed to go the other way, I guess. I realised this. I called her and told her this and said I was sorry for all that (I don't want to go in to detail, but it wasn't me making it up, I wasn't a great boyfriend.) I said I was willing to give her 100% from now on, forever. I was really raring to give our relationship one last go that would keep it going forever or end it, amen. I told her to not make a decision now, but to call me at some point that night and say if she really wanted us. Because, recently, she really hasn't seem to cared. I said I'd come down again this week and she just said "no I'm really busy and you could spend your time much better." Now THAT doesn't inject much trust, does it? I haven't a clue what she's doing with these older guys. Probably nothing, but at any rate, she knows how I'll be feeling. She could at least say she'd like to but no. .