[belugagirl]

I wonder if the tension in your marriage is the result of an unconscious game of emotional chicken. Each of you has needs of some sort that the other is not meeting, and each of you is holding out for what you need and feeling hurt and frustrated because you're not receiving it. Each of you is waiting for the other to give in.

Only in this game of chicken, the person who gives in first--wins! Actually, both of you would! Do you think you could surrender your needs for the moment in order to fulfill hers? Not forever, but as a first step. We don't know what exactly hers are, but you may be able to find out by asking her about them in a loving way. Maybe she feels drained and overwhelmed and doesn't feel "up to" sex, and now because it's been an issue, resents your insistence on it. Maybe if you're fighting about other things, she (understandably) isn't turned on by bickering or is lacking enough trust in you right now to be eager for sex. It could be lots of things, but I think the fact that she says she doesn't "like" you right now is a big clue that there is a deeper problem than lack of sexual intimacy.

I would advise having a frank but kind discussion with her about your relationship. Tell her what you told us, especially the parts about how you want to make love with only her and how it's not about "getting sex" for pleasure but rather about intimacy with her and only her. My guess is she won't be able to identify exacly why she doesn't want to have sex. Accept this for now. People don't always have reasons (or the ability to articulate the reasons) for the way they feel. You make the first move in reaching a compromise. Tell her that you will back off about the sex. Would that take the pressure off her? Would she be willing to give a few extra hugs and kisses here and there to help keep some emotional intimacy between you? You would really like that, and it would make you feel better.

And then . . . most important, this . . . ask her what she needs from you. NOT what she needs in order to be game for sex again! What does she need from you to feel more loved, more secure, more relaxed, more easy in your relationship. Whatever she says, give her that as your love gift. Give it or do it _without_ expectation of sex. Otherwise, it's not a gift; it's an exchange. Do it because you love her and you want her to be happy. Yes, you deserve to be happy, too. Try making her happy first.

See how this affects your relationship (in terms of the fighting, not in terms of sex). Communicate often and keep asking if you are meeting her emotional needs. Do let her know if there's anything (non sex) that she could do to make you feel loved and secure, and if she does it, beam and reciprocate by doing one of the things she especialy loves from you. For example, you might aske her to compliment you when you're especially good with the kids--tell you what a good father you are. When she does, show your happiness AND tell her what a great mother she is.

After a good deal of time has passed . . . if things are going better and there is less arguing and more affection . . . have another intimate discussion and tell her how much you love her--even more and more as you've been getting along better and better--and that you would really like to show her your love by making love to her (better wording than "have sex") when the moment is right, and how would she feel about that? She'll likely be tentative or ambivalent even out of habit. Then agree to take it one step at a time. Ask her, would she like to just touch and cuddle for a while?

If she does start to get more physically intimate with you, DO NOT move toward sex without verbal consent from her. If she initiates, ask her if she's sure she's ready. (If she's initiating, she likely will be, but she will appreciate your respecting her feelings on the matter.)

At all cost, avoid arguments. My husband and I call them "discussions." Maybe if you both can start to think about them that way (even as heated discussions) and conduct them accordingly, their effect on your mutual affection and trust will be minimized. I'm guessing after you build up trust and affection again, the physical intimacy may follow suit.

Geez, I should just hang out a shingle. Sorry so long. Just my suggestion, in case any part of it is helpful. I can say from experience that I generally feel most amorous when I feel most confident in the quality of our relationship as a whole. Perhaps your wife will, too.

Best of luck. I hope that your marriage will heal and then blossom!