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idave · 04-07-2007, 11:02 PM

Thanks for your thoughtful reply.

>I would just suggest you spend some time reflecting on the reality that underpins these feelings you have for your old flame. What real substance is there to them? Are you in love with her? Or with a memory?<

I think it's both. That's my reality. I've spent a few days with my old flame, and they were wonderful.

Will it work out with her, will I live happily ever after with her, get to live with her - which is what I think I want?

I don't know. But if can't happen if I don't want it to happen, don't work on making that my reality.

There is, for me, a truth about my wife. I love her, because she's the mother of our kids, because she's supported me for so long in so many ways. But I don't love her with passion.

And her truth is that she doesn't want to be with me if I can't love her as much as she loves me. And she doesn't believe I love her enough. Which is true. I don't have a deep love for her.

The reality, for me, is that I've always loved, as a memory, as a fantasy, another person. And that person, as if by magic, entered my life. And we met and I love her still, and she says she loves me.

So I am never, every going to be able, even if I stay with my wife, love her completely, not while my old flame is alive, and even if she no longer existed, I would still have strong feelings for her.

I can't manufacture those same feelings for my wife, as I have for my old flame. And as my wife said last night, as we talked about this, "Maybe you never really loved me." it's true, I never did, not the way she apparently loves me. I never truly, deeply loved her.

I love my wife, I have tremendous affection for her, but I can never love her the way she loves me - and she has said that if I can't do that, then we shouldn't be together.

Of course, she keeps hoping I will love her the way she wants to be loved. That I'll perform "exercises" in the handbook our couples counselor gave us. I can't do them, because they offer ways to reconnect with past feelings for a spouse. And I never had them.

04-07-2007, 11:02 PM	#3 (permalink)
idave Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 2	Thanks for your thoughtful reply. >I would just suggest you spend some time reflecting on the reality that underpins these feelings you have for your old flame. What real substance is there to them? Are you in love with her? Or with a memory?< I think it's both. That's my reality. I've spent a few days with my old flame, and they were wonderful. Will it work out with her, will I live happily ever after with her, get to live with her - which is what I think I want? I don't know. But if can't happen if I don't want it to happen, don't work on making that my reality. There is, for me, a truth about my wife. I love her, because she's the mother of our kids, because she's supported me for so long in so many ways. But I don't love her with passion. And her truth is that she doesn't want to be with me if I can't love her as much as she loves me. And she doesn't believe I love her enough. Which is true. I don't have a deep love for her. The reality, for me, is that I've always loved, as a memory, as a fantasy, another person. And that person, as if by magic, entered my life. And we met and I love her still, and she says she loves me. So I am never, every going to be able, even if I stay with my wife, love her completely, not while my old flame is alive, and even if she no longer existed, I would still have strong feelings for her. I can't manufacture those same feelings for my wife, as I have for my old flame. And as my wife said last night, as we talked about this, "Maybe you never really loved me." it's true, I never did, not the way she apparently loves me. I never truly, deeply loved her. I love my wife, I have tremendous affection for her, but I can never love her the way she loves me - and she has said that if I can't do that, then we shouldn't be together. Of course, she keeps hoping I will love her the way she wants to be loved. That I'll perform "exercises" in the handbook our couples counselor gave us. I can't do them, because they offer ways to reconnect with past feelings for a spouse. And I never had them.