I've been married for nearly 12 years. We made a mess of things almost immediately. About 2 years into the marriage, I asked him to move out and I filed for divorce. We were separated for about 3 months. It was hellish at first because I kept focusing on things I could not control or change: the past; his feelings, thoughts, and actions; what other people (family/friends) were thinking; aspects of the unknowable future; etc. Finally, I got focused on ME in the PRESENT and I became determined to feel good again.
I acknowledged that both of us had some real pain. Then, rather than focusing on what HE could do to make it right for ME, I chose to look at what I could do to improve the situation for me. At this point, we were so angry with each other, I felt like he could have jumped off a cliff and I would not have cared. So, I did my best to just stop thinking about him for a while because I knew my poisonous thoughts toward him were harmful to both of us.
I went into counseling alone. I sought an immediate plan for the marriage. I only needed to explore my emotions, understand my needs and desires, and focus on making better choices that would bring me better results. My healing was quick once I allowed myself to forgive the both of us for the pain we'd caused each other. Then, I could admit that I still cared about him and for him.
Old Soul, I encourage you to realize that your well-being and happiness are NEVER contingent upon someone else's choices. Yes, you do want sex and physical closeness with your wife, but your happiness and well being are within your reach as a result of choices YOU make.
- Get the counseling for yourself.
- Search within for peace and love.
- STOP arguing with your wife. PERIOD! It only makes things worse and nothing will be resolved through arguments.
- Give up the need to be right.
- Give up the need to be a victim.
The victim piece is huge.
I recommend a book called Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping. I only discovered this book and philosophy about 2 years ago when my own life coach suggested I read it. Tipping would say:
- Everyone alive today came to their life seeking to experience the illusion of separation and the opposite of love. Our job is to remember who we are and to transform that which is not love into love.
- To that end, your soul asked for the opportunity to learn the lessons that this situation is here to teach you.
- Your wife's soul loves your soul so much that "it" (her soul) is willing to participate in this painful situation so that you actually can go through this situation and have the opportunity to arrive at the healing and growth it affords.
- Therefore, you are not a victim because there's no wrongdoing that has occured. In fact, you have much for which to be grateful.
- In order to benefit from and release this pain, all you need do is be willing to see the perfection in this situation.
This way of looking at life might be tough to swallow. But, before you knock it or pick it apart based solely on my raggedy little explanation, please read the book and see if it resonates with your inner knowing and what you've experienced so far.
Lovingly,
Char