Hello, Oldsoul! I feel for you with your dilemma. It sounds like an overriding issue for you in your relationship and in your life. And for good reasons. You seem like a caring person who would like to move towards resolving some of your relationship issues, including connecting more deeply on the physical level with your wife. I believe Dr. Phil said something about when the sex is going well in a relationship, it's a small part of the whole, and when it's not going well, it's a big part of the whole.
I wonder if you've uncovered the brilliance of the law of attraction. What comes to mind for me is a wonderful quote by the brilliant Albert Einstein:
“The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.”
Remember your gift, my friend. Activate your Intention to choose and to create, and the logic will follow, bringing to you the means to create your deepest desires. By using the law of attraction--by acknowledging what feels bad for you, turn it around by declaring what you in fact request of life. Focus on what you want to expand! Do you choose--do you declare--that you build stronger healthier channels between your wife and yourself? Your wish is the universe's command! Do you choose/declare to resolve the issues in your relationship that are keeping distance between your wife and yourself? Your wish is the universe's command! They say insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. It is time to create new and healthier patterns for yourself in your relationship! It is fully within your innate power--it is your birthright--to create exactly what you want in your life and your marriage. By evoking the laws of attraction, and by 100% activating your natural ability to create your dreams, you activate the power of your focus. You can exponentially increase your potency in every action you take in your relationship. Do you declare your relationship to be loving on all levels, including physically? Your wish is the universe's command! The amazing part of this process is that you fully control your intentions of what you wish to create, independent of your wife's actions! As you are able to hone your focus to greater and greater degrees, you will see amazing results playing out around yourself. As long as you clearly and consistently set your power of Intention into play it will be revealed to you how to use your emotional and logical intelligences in the service of manifesting your deepest relationship purposes. And it can't hurt in other areas of your life as well!
May you find all the success in your relationship that you choose! Peace to you, friend.