Abuse has been a theme in my life & I'm not going to say I'm completely healed or anything
but here's some stuff that helped me.
Codependency books were terrific. When you ask about what is wrong that you can't move on..this definitely comes to mind. I used to jump from relationship to relationship & couldn't handle being alone. Codependency books by Melody Beattie are strongly recommended.
It seems Al-Anon has helped many people too ..even if your ex wasn't an alcoholic you can insert "abuse" in where "alcohol" is the word. I've read the steps & often go back when I find myself slipping back into trying to control the situation that was uncontrollable.
I applaud you not demonizing your ex & just recognizing what her behavior was & what she is currently doing. It seems you are detaching which is a good thing because the thing to do is to work on yourself which you seem to be doing. I applaud that you are taking steps because I've seen women on message boards dealing with abuse who cannot seem to break free of it because they don't want to look inward at what attracted or kept them in the relationship for so long.
For me I will say, lack of courage... inability to deal with the pain that was incurred as a result of the relationship.. a need to help the abuser with their problems which was neverending because they victimized themselves a lot.. & trying to deal with my own pain by helping them "heal" which never happened because they needed to heal themselves. I hope my info helps a bit. Good luck!