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Originally Posted by Jamie Stolz  Oh my gosh! I just realized that with my high school/early college boyfriend, I did exactly that. I looked in the mirror one day, said very seriously: "Universe, if you'll send me the right guy, I will give him my all." And the relationship was wonderful, definitely "right" for me - loving and helped me move forward. But it also required my all, and big time. I keep thinking of ways to start a new relationship and going back to that, but I hadn't realized how the way I set the intention for that one came out exactly how I'd visualized it. I did tons of work and didn't leave until I'd exhausted all other options multiple times over. This time maybe I want a similarly clear but less heavy intention, yes? Wow, thanks for that aha moment!
And re: writing style and deserving love.  Thanks for that! So nice to hear. I'm definitely blushing. |
I had a similar intention. I was willing to do ANYTHING for love. Don't be willing to do ANYTHING. Love yourself first and find someone who agrees with you.
I gave my "all" to my ex. I am still recovering from giving it and trying to get it *back*. Don't give your all. Always keep some for yourself. I gave my all and my ex gave their all and it still wasn't enough.
Instead, how about intending a relationship that is easy to be in - you're compatible enough that you don't *have* to work as hard, there is a flow, it is easy for you to be together?
Sacrifice is a great virtue on paper, but if you're compatible enough to begin with, you don't have to give up as much.
You notice that when you're in the "flow" with a job, it doesn't feel like work and doesn't feel like your job is squeezing your blood out of you even if it doesn't pay enough (or isn't paid at all!)?
That's what it should look like.
Go look for some relationship role models. The same relationship doesn't appeal to everyone, even though we've been sold this stock male/female relation. There are so many different styles of relating. Even among the couples where he brings home the bacon and she fries it up in a pan, there are myriad variations.
One way to figure this out before you get with someone - so that you don't argue too much over task division once you're together (both of my important relationships foundered over the issue of task division, wish I'd known this then!) - is to already have an idea of your skills, strengths and weaknesses. This is actually a better idea than making the by now debunked Love LOA Wish List.
Love Wish Lists tend to work from the bottom up. How the first date is going to go and what immediate traits the person comes into the relationship with. For this exercise, I'm asking you to work from the top down... you are already married to the person, what is it that is making this marriage *work*?
I'm going to completely leave out the spiritual and communication stuff we New Thought types tend to focus on and stick strictly with practical division of labor, because the cause of divorces is more likely to be pulling one's load and what constitutes the load. It's good to have an idea of "what constitutes a load" before getting involved.
Get a piece of line paper, draw three vertical lines, write at the top of each column: "love to do" "love him or her to do" "not crazy about but will negotiate". In column 3 can also be included those items which you're willing to hire out, such as housekeeping... housekeeping is in column 3 for me, because I want housekeeping to be hands-off of the couple as much as possible. I don't even want to argue over it. Someone with issues over having strangers in the house (this was both of my exes) is a no-go. I don't want to clean (other than daily maintenance), I don't want my partner to clean, and I don't want to argue about cleaning.
When you're done with this, get another piece of paper and make three similar columns. What do you want to bring to the relationship, what do they need to bring, and what can you share. Examples: if you want to do the decorating and the guy (because I'm assuming it's a guy) to be the one that does the "fix-it" stuff. This is important, because it's a major battleground...
This way, you end up with a "relationship want ad" instead of a "wish list" - think of it as if you are hiring employees for your company. You know your strengths and weaknesses as a manager, and the needs of your company, and what character traits and task-willingness you need from your employees.
The next thing to put on your list are the things you can't at all budge on... such as, "he must be Jewish" (or whatever).
This non negotiable list will actually be quite small.
This still leaves the Universe, G-d, Flying Spaghetti Monster, your holy guardian angel, your ku, Ralph the Cosmic Muffin, or your supreme organizing principle whatever that is... plenty of room to work with and your compatible mate could show up in any package or even be negotiated with any number of people (or two or more people, if you're like Steve Pavlina
).
Whereas "wish lists" tend to look like this:
Over 5'10
Blond with blue eyes
Doctor, lawyer, construction worker (or whatever profession)
Spiritual
I'm thinking top down, not bottom up... you are already in a working marriage, what does it look like? You are OLD together, what made it work?
Finally, go get some relationship role models... When you find some relationship role models, let me know because I am making a book of them for myself!