| | Love yourself first
It all comes from Love. Success and love go hand in hand. I am begining to realise that deep down love and truth are incredibly powerful.
I am trying to beat my body into submission. I am trying to force my body to look like the supermodels on the catwalk and in the process destroying it. While outwardly it sounds cliched, I think that I want to be small again, I want to avoid growing up, I want to be little again. This whole illness is based on fear and denial. I am begining to realise the path to recovery lies ahead and in order to succeed and be truly happy and lose weight I have to do it from a place of love.
I am in an interesting place, where binging has lost its appeal and soothing qualities but I'm not quite well either. I have alot of agitation arise lately, or feelings of sadness and at those times I am very tempted to just eat. To brush everything under the carpet and go back to the illness. Its at those times that I realise everything I am doing, it needs to be because I love myself. That I want my body to be as healthy as possible and not because I want to get well so I can lose weight and be thin.
The key factor here seems to being able to tolerate the difficult feelings without reaching for a crutch. I have been sitting with them, but the skill here is not getting overwhelmed by the feelings and dive into all the reasons behind them and try to solve or cure them. Rather to accept them, sit with them and let them pass. In order to do this I have been doing alot of knitting, just sitting and knitting. The other temptation here is the need to distract, but essentially my wellness is going to come from self love and acceptance and part of that is negative feelings. Its a long journey but I'm getting there.