Hi Redneckgyrl,
I can relate to what you're saying in many ways. I too had abilities when I was younger that made no sense and got me into trouble with family and teachers at school. I knew things that I wasn't meant to know but didn't know how I knew them and words would come out of my mouth without me having even thought them. It felt more like a curse than a gift and I wanted more than anything to just be normal.
When I was 18, I was working in the city and flatting with friends. I heard on the radio that the police had found a body on the local golf course. Then they said it was the body of my best friend Wendy. We had been best friends for 10 years. She had been anorexic at 15 but recovered. I was devastated, my boss called a taxi and sent me home. I went back to the flat but we didn't have phone so I couldn't call anyone. When my friends came home from work, I told them. They had been listening to the radio and hadn't heard anything. One of my flatmates used a neighbours phone and rung Wendy's house and spoke to her. She was fine and my flatmate didn't tell her what I'd said. They thought I was playing a sick joke on them and isolated/ridiculed me. I felt sick to the stomach and thought I was losing my mind.
Exactly a week later I heard the announcement again on the radio at work. I ignored it. This time when I got home from work, my friends were all crying. They'd heard it this time and checked with Wendy's parents. She had commited suicide. My world spun off its axis.
I ended up sick and disorientated and moved back home. My flatmates were scared of me and no-one spoke of it again. For a long time I felt guilty and scared of myself. I never told my family.
I married a friend of my brother-in-laws a couple of years later, who was a Christian. He seemed to have rules to live by and it felt safe. I had kids and 'it' seemed to go away for awhile. Then, in my mid to late twenties it opened up again. My husband told the minister at the church and they prayed over me and did the banishing the demons thing. It made no difference. I started seeing dead people in the church. I knew it wasn't evil. The people I was seeing just wanted to help their loved ones left behind and pass on messages of encouragement.
My husband became scared of me and disconnected. We divorced in my early 30's. I started exploring and reading about spiritual stuff. Just before we separated I'd be driving home from work at night and my car would fill with the most beautiful loving light. I'd sit it the car in the garage not wanting to leave it. I began meditating and seeing guides but there were heaps of different ones, never the same.
A couple of years later a friends mother gave me a book called 'The Eagle and the Rose' by Rosemary Altea.
She said I was like Rosemary. I believe you are too.
I remember asking for a guide like her guide 'Grey Eagle'. Not long after I'd asked, I was reading a book on the bed and felt a man rub his face against my cheek. I looked around and saw a beautiful face smiling at me. It was 'White Eagle.' A week later I was walking around a mystic fair and an artist stepped up and asked if she could draw a portrait of the Native American Indian walking beside me. Having her see and draw him reassured me that I wasn't insane. He's stayed with me ever since and acts as a gatekeeper.
It's not an easy road working with spirit but the rewards will take you beyond anything you will ever experience in the physical.
You are not alone. My heart is with you.
Lallymac
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