| | Limiting Beliefs
I'm still trying to work out what beliefs I have and what are just anxious thoughts.
I have this list of things that I'm not allowed to do.
- I'm not allowed to lose weight
- I'm not allowed to look pretty.
- I'm not allowed to be healthy.
My Eating Disorder wants me to be fat, ugly and unhealthy but the benifit would be that I stay safe from my anxiety and I can live in a cocoon. I think I'm scared to be healthy, to be well, to be pretty. That and I also put too much pressure on myself, I am never happy to be average, I always have to be the best. Its exhausting and unproductive. I am happiest when i let go of the expectations and perform for myself. I work faster, achieve better results and ENJOY IT.
I have been denying it mainly to myself but I am really struggling with the illness at the moment. I am sick again, not hospital sick but not myself either. I have stopped going out and I keep stealing food from my family, I am living off a diet of purely tuna and toast and bars of chocolate and ice-creams.
The over eating is abuse. I hate it. Its a way of punishing myself. I really hate doing it and I can see myself doing it and observe it but I feel unable to stop doing it. I am admitting it all to my Doctor tomorrow morning, I do have to turn it around but I'm not sure how. I guess I have to change my whole life because it has to be a sympom of something bigger.
I'm going to beat this. I am, I'm just not sure how yet.