[butterflyeffect]

I have found that deep down I am a very angry and frustrated person.

I can't be the sum total of my beliefs. I do find myself getting angry and frustrated alot but that is not a personality trait, its a feeling. Anger is a secondary emotion that is born out of fear or sadness. I think I fear not being good enough, being mediocre and just being average. I will never just be average or mediocre, as a human being I am already a unique life form, with specialist interests and experiences. The idea of mediocrity is a myth. As long as I stay true to myself I will be enough. I have always been enough. I have to let go of the social conditioning that says we are all placed somewhere on a linear scale of self worth - self worth is independent of societies rules, its an internal sense of being, of presences to yourself and the world. I have nothing to prove to anyone, not even myself. I am here to grow and learn. Perfection is not meant for this planet. I need to let go of the idea that there is only a narrow path that I must follow in order to be good enough, wherever I am and whatever I do, I am okay.

I know that anxious people are usually aggressive
Really? Are they? How many anxious people have I actually met? Well probably a few dozen in different hospital experiences and the ones i live with. But can the observation be projected onto the rest of the anxious populace? The millions of anxious people I've never met, but already put in a box. That doesn't really seem very fair. I need to stop trying to assauge my own insecurities by spouting out generalized psychiatry principles I picked up in hospital. We are all unique human beings not specimens. I have no knowledge of what the rest of the anxious population is like although when I get extremely anxious it can come out as aggression when really im just scared and protecting myself. I need to stop judging myself, assessing myself against some external criteria and then I won't need to soothe myself with false beliefs like "Im not the only one like this".

how fat i must look in my swimmers
I do not look how I would like to in my clothing or swimwear. I never have. No matter how small or big I am, I am always projecting my anxieties onto appearance with the belief "if i was smaller then things would be better". If that was truly the case then I would have been happy when I was starving, when I was small, when my body was medically considered small but I wasn't. The size is arbitary, put me in a clinic next to morbidly obese individuals and I look healthy, put me in with seriously underweight individuals and I look morbidly obese, amongst the average overweight Australian population probably average. What standard am I actually comparing myself too? If body weight is so important why doesn't my life suddenly improve everytime I lose weight? Because its a myth. Its a lie that I have bought into, my body is a beautiful gift, I have a relatively healthy and functional body. Its size will vary until the day I die, its part of nature to change. If I was truly calm and satisfied with myself would I really stop to worry? No. In the moments that I lose touch with my eating disorder and anxiety I cease to worry about how much I weigh, what I look like in that dress or whose judging me. I'm to busy getting caught up in the moment. I need to stop feeding my power to an illusion and a lie. My percieved 'fatness' or 'hotness' is all relative and just a reflection of how secure I am feeling inside. Its just a measure of self confidence, it was never about the weight. I got it wrong and its time to let go. My body is my body and i accept it. I accept it at its current size and the different sizes it will take over the coming years. Weight fluctuations are part of life, one does not usually weigh the same at birth and death, yet we are still able to live amazing lives. Its not about the weight its about the mind. Fix the mind, heal your body.