| | Letting go of Anger
I have found that deep down I am a very angry and frustrated person. I get scared and anxious and that often translates into anger. I know that anxious people are usually aggressive and in the process of learning to drive I stumbled up on the main reason I overeat.
I get so wound up and anxious about things. I will sit in my room and panic. While everyone else is out enjoying the sun at the beach, I am sitting wrapped up in a towel despising how fat i must look in my swimmers. I let this anger overwhelm me sometimes and I make a huge effort not to get angry with people. If someone outside of my family says something hurtful to me I rarely show them I'm upset. I smile and laugh it off, but inside im devastated and then seething.
This pattern regularly plays out with my old friend Ashliegh (her real name). She will gush about how we must catch up but after we make an arrangement she will pretend like we never made it or she totally forgot. Pretend to be sorry and gush some more about how much she misses and loves me. I mean seriously there is only so much insincerity one can take. Ashleigh has done this about ten times now, although to my credit I have stopped talking to her. Took me a while though. Instead of getting annoyed with Ashliegh or letting her know it hurt, I'd laugh it off and then get off the phone and cry and get all upset. Inside I would be seething, I would be so angry with both her and myself for the rejection and the level of hurt that it caused.
Obviously, it was never really about Ashliegh who is just a silly airhead but my feelings. I would cry and then reach for the calming tub of ice cream and repeat to myself over and over. Its ok, your ok, you did it and now you can have this. I have this destructive pattern of allowing all the anger to build inside of me and then letting it out on myself or in sharp comments to other people. The eating calms it down. I often feel like I can't lose weight, I must stay fat to protect myself from other people who want to hurt me. None of this is true but it feels deeply true and thats what I have to deal with. Time and love have the ability to heal everything.