Originally Posted by ssandra
I think it is extremely important to know how you come across to other people. Not because you need to change who you are, or because other peoples opinions are more important, but because people react to how you come across them. Not to how you really are.
So if those 2 are out of balance, people are not dealing and reacting to the "real" you, but to the image they have off you. That might not always be a bad thing, but I believe it is always a good thing to be at least aware of it.
One example of my personal life:
Back when I was extremely shy, I got the feedback from a friend at one point that when she first met me, she thought I was extremely arrogant, and believed I was better then anyone else. This was my self defense mechanism. I thought I was pretending to be self confident, but what the outside world saw was arrogance.
In this case I changed some minor things, and came across very shy, instead of arrogant. Since that was closer to my true nature, I preferred that, to being perceived something that I wasn't at all.
A good way to know what people think of you: do a 360 evaluation.
This is asking all the people around you, meaning Boss, people under you professionally, family, friends etc. what they think of you. What do they think is your strong side and what do they think you would do well to change.
When you read them (especially good to do with an impartial 3rd party therapist for objectivity) keep in mind that this is not who you are, this is how others perceive you.
Before you read and analyze their messages, make a list of yourself. Who are you really. How do you want to be perceived by others. By friends, by family etc.
Then see how far those things are in line. If they are, good. You are being perceived the way you want to.
if not, ask yourself why, and if it is something you want to change or not.
Hope this answer helped!
Lots of Love,
Thank you for this idea, it sounds really helpful. I sometimes forget people are responding to their idea of us and not necessarily to the self we intend to project to the world (I don't mean projecting in a false way).
(Whew, I must be in the middle of some major processing atm. Feeling all tearful and slightly nauseous.)
I think this sort of thing is hardest for me when my intention to be helpful, supportive, for growth is rightfully missed because of the way I communicate. It sets up a vibe that directly contradicts the intention, and it is hard for me, emotionally, to realize that has happened... because it is so very contrary to the goal. And because it can lead away from growth/insight/greater joy if that happens. I do not want to contribute to such a dynamic
But in those moments, I am fully responsible for the dynamic that may happen. It is painful for me to accept responsibility though, even if it is obviously appropriate. And then in other situations it seems more about them responding to the way they see me. The situation I was writing about here, though, was a case of me not communicating mindfully or effectively. Even though I meant to be.
Geez, maybe I'm just hormonal or something. Probably not though.
Originally Posted by shasah
Same problem here. I think I'm coming across as happy and I'm (once) called condescending. I think I'm being funny and I'm told (a couple times) that it wasn't very funny. On the happy one, I was just honest in my response and on the funny, I decided not to try to force funny. So basically my state of mind comes into play.
On yours, why not try rereading your posts before sending them? Try to see it how others will read it? Usually if I do that I'm fine. It's when I don't reread and look for other perspectives that I get into trouble.
Yeah, I definitely think part of the issue is I get all caught up in my spazziness and don't check what I write beyond checking for mechanical stuff.