I notice a common mental theme in all my thoughts,
- I should be better by now, I have been sick for way too long and I hate this.
This style of thinking is actually hindering my recovery. Instead of focusing on enjoying the freedom that comes with recovery, I have been to focused on the end goal. I am always scolding myself for making mistakes, for messing up or not doing what "I should". Inadvertently, I have been manifesting more illness, more barriers and more obstacles, because I derive enormous self esteem internally when I overcome obstacles. I love sitting back and saying "that was so hard, but you did it. Your really did it." While a certain degree of acknowledgement in neccessary, I think that my self worth needs to be based on more than my ability to overcome hardship afteral, I'm not planning on living like this forver!!
I often judge myself very harshly and then use food to self soothe. I eat and find it soothing, it calms the anxiety, the critisism and general angst that I'm feeling. I feel a sense of control and power when I eat, all that is short lived.
I am making a concious effort to stop over eating and to calm myself down. On a number of occasssions on the past few weeks I have been about to over eat and I look at the ice-cream and pause and it occurs to me I don't want it. I want to by loved and understood, I want to be hugged. I want to sing and dance the anxiety out. I want to run, I want to heal the problem not mask it. I feel so proud and excited when I notice the feeling, the urge to eat and then deal with the issue.
In the past I have tried to just resist the urges to overeat or starve without dealing with the emerging anxiety that causes it. While some times I can delay the over eating or binge for a short period of time, it was always very time consuming and draining. I would feel agitated on edge, although this way I feel light and bright afterwards, high on my own success. : )
I have decided to give up all my shoulds. Its not like I do them willingly anyway. So instead of "I should", I am thinking "I am" and "I want to be." I am going to stop focusing soley on who I want to be and also enjoy the process of recovery. I am going to enjoy the lessons life is throwing at me and appreciate the opportunity that Ed is providing me to learn and to grow stronger. I always feel much more peaceful when I view the Eating Disorder from a place of love than hate.