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WayToTwilight · 03-31-2007, 07:44 PM

Hi Holden

I happen to have a very similar experience to yours. I am 20 years old in college with a brother about to head out to college. He's 18. Though, I only recently figured out that he has an inferiority and confidence issue as well. The problem with my brother is he shuns both me and my parents away. He's difficult to talk to since he always reacts angrily, even if I ask him if I can talk to him, just out of the blue! He's very private.

I agree with what most people have talked about acceptance. The problem that I faced with my own parents is that my parents KNOW and WHOLEHEARTEDLY love me and my brother. However my brother doesn't know that. He actually feels he is the lesser brother, the inferior one. Every time I talk to my mother I say to her, "My brother thinks you don't love him as much." And my mother always defensively says "NO! I DO love both you and your brother very much!" The problem here is that my mother knows it, but my BROTHER DOESN'T.

I think you may have a similar case here. You might know you accept her and love her and support her unconditionally. However, it doesn't matter as long as she doesn't know that. If you continue to treat her as a problem that needs to be fixed (versus treating her as your sister), she will think she's inadequate or she'll think everyone's out to get her. Instead you have to SHOW her that you love her and accept her. Maintain your focus on her, not her problem. It isn't enough I think to just accept her in your mind. Of course accepting her for who she is in your mind is the first step. But I believe it is important to incorporate that mindset into your actions... actions that she will pick up on.

Also from what I can tell about the way you're describing her, is that it seems she is a very angsty teenage girl. This is common, but you do need to discipline her. Accept her for who she is, but I'm not saying that you accept her to the point that you don't try to teach her the right things because you feel she is only capable of being one type of person. I think it is definitely still important to show her what unacceptable and inappropriate behavior is. Once again you can tell her this but you must also show this in your actions. People learn through example, this is no exception. I read somewhere that a child gets their temperament from their parents, and I don't mean genetically. If a parent is easily angered and shows anger very easily, the child grows up to be of similar nature. Remain composed when you talk to her and treat her with respect but also let her know that you are her brother and reserve a right to express any criticisms.

American kids (I assume you're American, at least with the English that you use) grow up in a very democratic society. They believe they have bargaining power. Use this to your advantage, you have bargaining power as well. Show her respect, accept her but don't be afraid to assert yourself either. Also, know that she will not change overnight. This is an ongoing process. Don't beat yourself up over the fact that she hasn't changed yet. As someone said earlier, you can't really force change. She'll only want to change when she wants to you. Just let her know, you'll be there for her, anytime.

Hope this helps. Remember, your siblings are your closest blood relatives. Love them, they are closer to you than you might think. And please root for me and my brother. I'm rooting for you and your sister!

03-31-2007, 07:44 PM	#28 (permalink)
WayToTwilight Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 60	Hi Holden I happen to have a very similar experience to yours. I am 20 years old in college with a brother about to head out to college. He's 18. Though, I only recently figured out that he has an inferiority and confidence issue as well. The problem with my brother is he shuns both me and my parents away. He's difficult to talk to since he always reacts angrily, even if I ask him if I can talk to him, just out of the blue! He's very private. I agree with what most people have talked about acceptance. The problem that I faced with my own parents is that my parents KNOW and WHOLEHEARTEDLY love me and my brother. However my brother doesn't know that. He actually feels he is the lesser brother, the inferior one. Every time I talk to my mother I say to her, "My brother thinks you don't love him as much." And my mother always defensively says "NO! I DO love both you and your brother very much!" The problem here is that my mother knows it, but my BROTHER DOESN'T. I think you may have a similar case here. You might know you accept her and love her and support her unconditionally. However, it doesn't matter as long as she doesn't know that. If you continue to treat her as a problem that needs to be fixed (versus treating her as your sister), she will think she's inadequate or she'll think everyone's out to get her. Instead you have to SHOW her that you love her and accept her. Maintain your focus on her, not her problem. It isn't enough I think to just accept her in your mind. Of course accepting her for who she is in your mind is the first step. But I believe it is important to incorporate that mindset into your actions... actions that she will pick up on. Also from what I can tell about the way you're describing her, is that it seems she is a very angsty teenage girl. This is common, but you do need to discipline her. Accept her for who she is, but I'm not saying that you accept her to the point that you don't try to teach her the right things because you feel she is only capable of being one type of person. I think it is definitely still important to show her what unacceptable and inappropriate behavior is. Once again you can tell her this but you must also show this in your actions. People learn through example, this is no exception. I read somewhere that a child gets their temperament from their parents, and I don't mean genetically. If a parent is easily angered and shows anger very easily, the child grows up to be of similar nature. Remain composed when you talk to her and treat her with respect but also let her know that you are her brother and reserve a right to express any criticisms. American kids (I assume you're American, at least with the English that you use) grow up in a very democratic society. They believe they have bargaining power. Use this to your advantage, you have bargaining power as well. Show her respect, accept her but don't be afraid to assert yourself either. Also, know that she will not change overnight. This is an ongoing process. Don't beat yourself up over the fact that she hasn't changed yet. As someone said earlier, you can't really force change. She'll only want to change when she wants to you. Just let her know, you'll be there for her, anytime. Hope this helps. Remember, your siblings are your closest blood relatives. Love them, they are closer to you than you might think. And please root for me and my brother. I'm rooting for you and your sister!