I feel really anxious this week about my mid semester exams that are in two days. Logicaly, I should just study and ignore the anxiety but instead I just feel really edgy and anxious. The tricky part is that the anxiety ends up getting the attention, not my uni work.
I have found that mediating is helpful. I just sit down for ten minutes and breathe deeply or go for a fast brisk walk with my ipod. The ED is there nagging in the background while I do this. On some level I still want to believe that food can solve the problem. One tub of chocolate ice cream and the whole thing will go away and if I hide it well enough maybe I won't put on weight afterwards and no one has to know. The truth is that:
A. Ice-cream can't solve the problem, no matter how much I eat
B. I will definately put on weight regardless of whether I throw it up or not
C. People will always find out, either because they spot the tub or I start putting on weight
I am really agitated now because I can feel the anxiety, I can almost touch it and i know that as much as I want it, food won't solve the problem. I still reallly, really want it, but deep down I know I'm wasting my time. So now I'm walking to rid myself of the unpleasant emotions that come up, the angst, the anger, the sadness and frustration.
I have stopped building up a story in my head or sympathising with myself of how hard this disease is. Rather at the moment, I am focused on allowing myself to feel the emotions and deal with them directly. I am finding though as a result of eating properly new emotions are coming up and I am more on edge, moodier and I try to numb the intensity of these feelings by reading mindless books or movies. I think the common theme here underpinning my Eating Disordered behaviors at the moment seems to be denial. I am denying the reality of the situation and refusing to accept the obvious.
Things I need to accept to get well:
- Ice-cream tubs are made for multiple servings, not for a single person.
- Family size blocks of chocolate are for FAMILIES.
- People who go on about how women need to all be really thin need a psychiatrist!! Me buying into it and furthering my ED is futile.
- I can't meet everyones needs all the time. I have to address mine first so that I can help others.
- Some people gueninly do like being ill. There is no point in constantly trying to help them and getting frustrated afterwards. Accept lovingly and LET GO.
-Rejection is a part of life.
- The past is over. It no longer has any power of me if I stop focusing on it.
- I need to start facing the truth, if I don't like something pretending I do to keep everyone happy is a waste of time.
- People say mean things. Deal with it. Its thier issue not yours.
- Exams are not a big deal. The extent of my current anxiety is ridiculous.
- No one can me well except ME. It is upto me to get well.
- ED is not a person but a concept. I have to stop personifying my illness at somepoint...