 Back to 'high school'? Very confused about all that
I think I understand you, Michelle, perfectly well! And I'm so confused about my whole life nowadays!!! I'll share my experience briefly, maybe it will provide you with some thought. And God, will anyone bring some clarity to this search for confidence (or self-esteem or whatever - I don't even know what the correct term for it is)!!!
I think, in my life there have always been only two real dreams (probably because they are hardly achievable - I achieved all other goals rather easily) - losing my weight (though I've always been slender but I've always wanted more) and high above it - becoming truely confident. At 15 I
started to strive for achieving true self-esteem consciously. I made plans, set goals, achieved them. Results - very much improved appearance, character, habits, skills, knowledge, wins at local contests, getting a job I dreamed of, courage... The only word that comes to my mind when I recall those times is 'bright'. There were really bright years. But... I didn't achieve my main goal - self-esteem, though I even learnt to be dominant in some circle of my peers in my class! I knew I could do this of that, was good at many things but I was sure I was a piece of ♥♥♥♥♥ and if anyone (at school of
just strangers) told me that I would always agree (not outloud, of course). Then, at 18, I realized I had been on the wrong path. Then I looked at people with high self-esteem: the clue of their confidence was, in my opinion, that they listened to themselves and didn't pay much attention to others. I decided: ok, no strivivg for anything, I should love myself no matter what others think. Results? Gaining weight, not caring what to wear, extreme laziness, lost of interests and some energy, cutting classes, almost failing at the uni, not getting any job for a long time because I behaved like a sleepy but complacent person at the interviews...Now I'm 23 and when I look back
at those years the word for them is 'loss' or 'blackout', etc. But... I'll never regret these years as I've gained true self-respect, if someone meant to call me a piece of ♥♥♥♥♥ I would raise my eyebrows and just keep no attention to such a person. But strange, I lost all the confidence I had during my 'bright' years. It was pretty good to respect myself living in a shell almost out of touch with reality even when communicating with others. Probably that was what I wanted to achieve - I said to myself I wanted to live ib a 'bubble' - transparent to see people but not letting them hurt me (that was my vision of true self-esteem). Just recently I learnt it's called 'lack of feelings' - when
it's too much for a person, they lock their bad feelings, but the trick is that the good ones are ocked as well. I felt very comfortable, but I was neither happy not unhappy, just apathy that depressed me. And confidence... when it came to real things or changing or starting anything I trembled like a leaf feeling far more less courageous that in my adolescent years, very very
insecure every day. I think the first stage was self-growth and the second one is self-acceptance. I completely disagree with any benefits of accepting myself as I am, it's just escapism!!! And that's probably the stage you're in now, Michelle. I read Steve's article on this topic ( self-acceptance vs.
personal growth), but I just can't find a way out for me in accepting the middle. So I decided to get back to 'high school' (is it a step back?) and start achieving all I need hoping to maintain some of self-respect I gained if I can. That's why I'm starting my challenge (30-day trial) in April (in 21 hours, oh my!). I aim to establish a mindset of a robot so far just not my procrastination on one hand and insecurities on the other get me. But still I'm very confused about all that: high self-esteem/insecurity - courage/low self-esteem. Can anyone make it clear???
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