Hi butterflyeffect
I was bulimic for a little over a decade. And today I am cured.
I grew up in a society with a lot of pressure to be thin. Especially my dad commented constantly on my weight. If I would gain a few pounds, he would tell me- "listen, you’ve gained weight."
It started just when my mother left the house when I was 15.
Everything in my life was in total chaos at the time, and this gave me some control. Control on my weight. Bulimia is about having control.
Plus there wasn’t any food in the house. The fridge was always empty. So I would eat very unbalanced meals and throw them up. Interestingly enough my sister was also bulimic at the same time. But we never spoke about it back then. We just both knew.
It was a secret; I was very secretive at the time. I was hiding so much. It was very sad times. I looked normal, had many friends, but I always had something to hide.
It’s a very hard disease to get rid of, at least for me it was.
I think its great that you are writing here. when I started there was no internet.
Anyway - how did I get out of it?
Well a few things. One thing- I was living away from home, abroad, and I was still very bulimic- my dad called one day to tell me he dreamt I was swallowing glass and throwing it up. My dad and me are very close spiritually. So- even though he didn’t know what the dream was about, I did. I knew I was harming myself in a serious way, otherwise he wouldn’t have been given such a metaphor.
I told him I didn’t know why he dreamt that, but I did stop throwing up. It was an alarm. Well, I almost stopped.
I still did it sometimes, and then one day I realized (after I began my spiritual growth path) on a very deep level that what I’m doing is so extremely selfish. That I was given a beautiful healthy body, that my body was a gift, a loan for this lifetime and I am intentionally destroying it. I realized that this is such a selfish act to do. It was a deep understanding. So I stopped.
But still, nothing about my eating habits was normal. For instance a daily menu would consist of 8 apples and 5 cups of tea + sugar and milk. I didn’t know what to eat because like I said, after my mom left there was no food in the house. A few cucumbers and a yogurt usually. My dad always said he wished there was a pill, which he could take instead of eating. he actually said "food is poison, so the less you eat, the better"
I tried so many ways to eat healthy, and I got better, but I would always binge every once in a while. just didnt know hw to deal with this thing called food.
What really saved me was the raw food diet. The raw food diet opened my healthy appetite. Made me love food again. It balanced everything out. I love spending time preparing meals, I love eating. And most importantly I LOVE my body. I am just not worried at all about gaining weight. I’m at my perfect weight. Not too thin, not at all overweight. I feel great. Going raw is an intensional act of love for myself. I love myself so I take care to give my body the very best fresh organic healthy food.
I eat as much as I need. I am very in tune with my body. I crave for things I really need. I can have a seaweed craving or a grape craving. I don’t even work out, I just walk a lot and climb stairs. I dont have a scale at home, or even a full length mirror (not purposely - just didnt have time to get one.) I only see myself when I try clothes on in a store and I like what I see. I am free from the whole body/food obsession.
It’s all about realizing how harmful it is, and changing that self destruction to self love. Until you don’t really love yourself, it will be hard to cure. And one way to start loving yourself is to read and get lots of info on how you can treat your body the best way it deserves.
Wishing you all the best. You are doing great!
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