| | Wellness Journey
Well I am still on the wellness path. I have done this so many times over the years, I can recite to you the hospital programs and Day Programs and probaly run my own support group!!!! Except I might skip some of the dodgier advice - like just sit with the feeling. A little more explanation needed I think!!
So often when I was in hospital I would get caught up in the underground eating disorder world. Its a different reality altogether, the venue used to access it doesn't matter, forums, pro-ana, hospital, sick friends, the conversations were always self defeating and ridden with anxiety and depair. We would discuss in detail the number of hospital admissions, lowest or highest weights, all time lows and the whole string of consequences an Eating disorder brings.
The force of the negativity was so strong, it was like you could touch it. So much barely veiled despair, will this kill me? You see, when you walk in for a hospital admission, its not as scary the second time, because chances are alot of the people you were in with last time, are back, their still struggling. These discussions of sickness just act to affirm the little critic in your mind who feeds you the lines, "you'll never get better. Your a failure. Your going to be sick forever." What else is scary is that those secrets you carry around, the fact that your scared to get better, you cheat on your meal plan and sometimes you give in just because you don't know you would be otherwise, well everyone knows them. People with eating disorders are often smart, talented, kind hearted and sticklers for detail. So don't think you can pass under the radar. So you get sucked into a vaccum of illness, the real world and normal people don't understand.
It can be argued that this network provides support even if it just because misery loves company. Engaging with people who understand is valuable, but constantly remiscing about past behaviors and destructive goals is unhealthy and just keeps you stuck. The truth is, your not alone, most of the population struggles with food and self worth issues. Your eating disorder doesn't make you special, it just provides a buffer between you and the world, so do underground networks. Yes, you get the empathy and support but can you really feel it? Or is your little critic there making sure that th positive benifit is drowned out with the reassurance, your there forever and no one is getting any better. I always try to hang out with only well people or people who are at a similiar stage in recovery to myself. Its not that I judge those who are sicker than me, but it struck me, i can't help you if i'm still sick and when offer advice its from the same mindset that created the problem in the first place. Truly, break free of the underground world, its baby steps and your going to fall at times but its better than sititng back and saying if I wasn't sick i could have...