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Originally Posted by RT Wolf  In the argument, was she attacking you rather than making a rational case? You could name the dynamic next time, which means to say that she is attacking you instead of actually putting forth an argument. Let her know that it is a very dirty way to argue, or that it is damaging your relationship with her. It's also a logical fallacy. A lot of people will stop doing something once oyu name the dynamic. |
When she thinks she's right, she thinks she's right. No matter what I (or anyone else) tries to say, it's like we're the ones who are wrong. Being logical and mature doesn't seem to work.
The other night, that argument wasn't even about me and my flaws. I was asking a favour from my parents, and because she felt like I was getting something and she wasn't (the favour I was asking was so insignificant, it was almost laughable), she went on about how she never gets anything, and I get everything, and then proceeded to say all the things wrong with me, and why they should do anything for me at all. Etc. It was a very dirty argument, but if I'd said that, she'd have some sort of answer for it ("you're the one being dirty in this argument Holden, not me." - wha?) Because in her head, she's right.
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Originally Posted by RT Wolf Acceptance doesn't mean that you condone it, nor does it mean that you still do not want to change it, acceptance just takes away your ego's investment in a particular situation. You can work on this in many ways, including working on yourself and working on your relationship with her. |
I've been casually observing and thinking about everything you guys are saying here, and it's great.
However, my definition of acceptance must be wrong.
When I attempt acceptance, I also feel like I'm condoning the behaviour - which I don't. Which brings me back to wondering what I should do. I accept my sister for who she is, and love her, but letting her behaviour happen (she's very spoilt and self-centered) impacts on everyone in the house, especially me. For instance, that other night, I ended up just leaving the room. What I was asking my parents for, I didn't even get in the end. Condoning her behaviour feels like, to me, like she's getting free reign to just walk all over me. I'll still be the loving brother, but she'll still treat me poorly.
It feels like it's about my own self-respect. It feels natural to not condone the behaviour, and to teach her otherwise. But by doing that, I'd have to be harsh, which is the opposite of what I thought acceptance was. If my sister was just a girl on the street, or a friend, or someone I work with (I think I said this before) I wouldn't take her behaviour for a second. I'd simply state how I feel; treat me like that anymore, and I'm gone. But coz she's my sister, I gotta take it?
(Edit: btw, if I were to tell her that, she'd have a million reasons to why I'm being stupid, and how I'm the one abandoning her, and treating her badly (ie: victim card), and it feels like it would never click that she's the one who's done the wrong thing.) That's where I was confused about acceptance.
I'm getting there.