Quote:
Originally Posted by Holden McNeil  If an argument bothers me, it's all about me. The other night she bothered me, simply because she was pointing out a lot of negatives about me to get the upper hand in an argument. I felt hurt when she did this, because she was being so immature about it, and using my flaws as weapons against me. But that's just who she is, she's doing what she thinks is right. If it bothers me, I have to ask myself why that particular thing bothered me. When I think about that, it's because I'm ashamed of the flaws that she mentioned. It wasn't about her at all, really. I just pinned it on her, as a conduit to my feeling ashamed. Having someone validate them to me, as a weakness within me... I didn't like that at all.
In how I'm analysing that, does that sound right? |
That does sound right.
This is an example of how healing yourself can heal others, where cause and effect are evident. If she attacks you and you show shame, you validate her reactions when others do the same to her, and validate her own feelings of worthlessness. You also validate her belief that she can influence others with her attacks, and thus the attacks she perceives others making on her are also validated.
So it is all about you, from your perspective, and it's also all about her, from her perspective. And both perspectives are valid, though unhelpful.
It's a cycle that will continue to feed itself until someone becomes aware enough of what's going on to be able to stop it. That's where acceptance comes in. If you accept yourself completely, then nothing she says can affect you. She'll eventually see that there's no point in attacking you.
And if you accept her completely she'll stop feeling like you're trying to change her (which implies that there's something wrong, which she already believes to be the case). And perhaps then she'll be able to see and enjoy the benefits of your relationship, and similar positive relationships with others.