Dear Hottie,
First off:
Quote:
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I'm just a little bit shy to post through that account. So I apologize for looking like a hit-and-runner..ie just breezing through to get help, and then you never hear from me again. :P
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OMG how could you! I feel so used!
I am a student of a manifestation school and one of the things we do is pick out denial. So this may seem harsh at first (my God, I knew it ... I'm full of flaws!).
Read this in my blog to get the perspective I'm coming from. You create all you experience. Period.
Denial is not a bad thing, it just is what we create. Simply, denial is creating something and pretending you did not, either by saying I didn't create this or by saying something isn't there that
should be there.
As I read your post I kept a running list of denials present. Here's the list:
- judging self as shallow
- shallow is wrong
- jealously is wrong
- victimized by others looks
- victimized by the pressure of society
- I'm in lack (not as pretty as them)
- abundance is wrong (expensive clothes, shoes, etc., hey! others are in lack!)
- separation - everyone is not me
- social justice??? (wow)
- being vain is wrong
- pretty/hot is not spiritual (polarity)
Are you an over-achiever? No, I can make a list this long on myself if I spend the time. This list is for everyone reading, including myself. Anyhoo...
The above are some of your beliefs about reality. You have a lot of beliefs that don't support your well being. You are playing with a lot of polarity: everywhere you make something right/wrong or make a comparison between two things (pretty / spiritual). And, separation - all those pretty girls out there are not me. And, victimization - because if the others, society, and BF wasn't there you wouldn't feel how you feel. But you are the one creating those feelings, not them.
Hmmmmm where to start?.....
If you want to play along with me, start by acknowledging, everyday, several times a day, that
you create all your experiences. Slowly bring in the ownership of the feelings you have, you create them all.
Recognize you create the reasoning you use to be the way you are (not a hot girl. pfft, yeah right). And recognize you see the reasoning AS TRUE, FACTUAL!, THIS IS HOW IT IS!!!! That's a bunch of bull. You create it, you can change it.
Journal your stories. What's a story? It's the answer to the question "why" or follows the word "because".
Why do I feel this way? Because in today's culture, there is so much pressure to look like a model...
That is the beginning of a story. It's not true. What is true is you choose to dress the way you dress, you choose to feel there's something wrong with that, you choose to feel victimized because inside you really want to be the hot girl but there's 10 other reasons why it's bad to dress the part.
It's just a choice, it's just an experience, there's nothing
wrong with it but you want to add your righteousness into the experience and then complain that it's there without acknowledging you put it there.
(I did say I'm good at this denial stuff.
)
Start saying "this is me".
Every time you look at your roommate, some hottie from school, or a magazine say "this is me". There is no 'others' out there. It's all reflections of you. This will work on your feelings of lack. You won't make such a division between what you see and yourself. (remember you create the magazines too
)
zomg - the stuff keeps coming out... can't keep the post short... I'm trying...
reality check
This is a very powerful tool. Ask the men you know (not your BF) if they think a super skinny perfect model is their type of woman. Or just people watch with them and ask them who they think is hot. I bet you'd be surprised who gets on the hot list and who doesn't.
What is also evident is you want to be the hot girl. You want to have that experience and you throw a ton of judgment on it. I can feeeel the pressurization inside. Go for it! Buy the clothes, start working out, wearing makeup, do something that moves you in that direction and see how you feel. You will probably feel some guilt but at the same time you will also feel some space open up inside for reception of you.
Yeah and we want before and after pictures.
Good luck.