Hi newdad,
Here's what works for us, maybe some of these ideas might work for you too.
Set common goals, not common means to get there
Both the better half and I have very different idea on how money should be managed, budgeted etc. So one day we sat down and decided on some common goals that we both agreed upon. We could not however agree on what was the best way to get there. We agreed to disagree.
Do not try to impose personal will on the other
We are both "smart". While we agree that the other person's idea is great, we just don’t see why it is better than our own. So we decided not to impose one person's will on the other. Each person is free to follow his/her own choice. We just have to find a way to make this work, so we can each be independent and yet work towards a common goal.
Set clear expectations, but don’t let it "divide" us
To make this work, we decided to agree on what each person’s responsibilities are. So we sat down and decided which bills each one takes care of, how much each of us is contributing towards the long term goals etc. We do not however want it to "divide" us. So, when some "unexpected" expenses come up, we do not argue over whose responsibility the new bill is - one of us volunteers for it, the other person accepts it gracefully and steps up when something else comes up. Ultimately, we are both on the same team. We try to remember that
the boundaries we have created are not about the money, but how to manage the money. Also, for large expenses (in our case anything > $100), we always talk to the other person first. It helps remember that it is an independent decision, but its still common money.
Don't Micromanage Each Other's Accounts
Finally, the most important one. At least for us. Since we have clear boundaries, we respect the boundaries. Each of us is free to spend/save our own money as we see fit. We do not micromanage (a.k.a meddle in) each others accounts. We share ideas and we discuss what each of us is doing, but don't dictate what the other person should be doing.
That said, I have to admit, it wasn’t easy to get here - especially since both of us have fairly strong personalities. Like everything else in a relationship (and life itself), this needed some hard work, some adjustment on each of our parts, and some ad-hoc learning as things progressed. But now we are at a stage where things work smoothly (most of the time anyway
).
Good luck with finding the system that works best for you. Never give up. If nothing else, persistence will get you there!